HONESTY HOUR - ON ENDLESS HOPE

"Thoughts that go like bullets through you,
The time you told me that you wish you were dead." -LONTALIUS

When I first heard that song I thought about the last time I contemplated suicide, when I closed my eyes, who did I see?

I believe in ENDLESS HOPE. Call me naive, call me immature, but I guarantee I've lived more than my fair share of life. It was honestly when I was at my lowest, ready to die that I decided to believe in hope. To believe in happiness. To believe that if I just had faith in a brighter tomorrow, it would come.

AND IT DID. The earth shattering, soul crushing depression was managed. I got out of bed, I stopped harming myself, I still struggle with anxiety but I have hope that there will be a day that I don't. I just know it, it won't just magically happen. I work for it. I choose happiness, I choose hope every single day.

If it doesn't help foster growth and happiness, it has no place in my life, I know that right now I can't handle someone else's hurt. I have to cut those people out of my life. I can't carry their pain for them anymore and it was hard. Choosing hope meant learning to say no. I found that I was continually over extending myself for people who wouldn't do the same for me. That isn't selfish, that is self care.

PROTECT YOUR PEACE. There is no hope in a world where none of your needs are met. I'll preach it until my head explodes SELF CARE * SELF CARE *SELF CARE! I found hope in a world where I stopped expecting others to care about me and I started caring about myself. Once I was able to care for myself, I was able to care for other. Put the oxygen mask on yourself first!

If you need help, ASK FOR IT! I am not just talking about mental health, if you need someone to hold the door for you, if you need someone to help you get something off of a shelf, ASK! And then pay it forward. There has to be more kindness in this world. I found that I'm kinder now than I ever have been, I try to treat everyone how I would want to be treated.

I HAVE HOPE FOR MY FUTURE - because I have love for my NOW. I know my life is about to be lit AF with two kids in Oregon living my best life being a stay at home mom. You know why? Because I'm working hard AF right now to ensure that I can do that comfortably and I love my life right now. I might hate our apartment complex and think our neighbors are rude, but I find hope in every situation. Our views are gorgeous and I love my husband.

So I've given a lot of examples for my life right now. But how did I find endless hope when I was at my lowest?

I focused on THREE THINGS that I didn't totally hate each day before bed. I found hope that I had at least those three bright spots in my day (and they weren't always that bright!). It became all day long I would notice little things that lifted my mood and it was like the world shifted.

(It was noticing that yes there was toilet paper, or yes I wasn't beaten today, or yes there was something to eat!)

In my throes of addiction/domestic abuse/mental illness the world became such a scary dark place. To this day, I'm still dealing with the fear and darkness, but I started seeing the light again. Through hope I started seeing something worth living for again.

And I'm crying while I type this because I don't remember the exact day it happened but I honestly remember what it was like to want to die. That desperation, that hopelessness. Then months later, It was like the sun had come out, after a really long winter and everything looked brighter, I remember just smiling, for nothing, and knowing, this was what it was like to live again.

Like a deep breath of fresh air after you have been drowning. I had been drowning, are you drowning?

For that reason, I choose hope, I choose kindness, I choose happiness every single time. My life isn't perfect, far from it. But I know that I can make the best of every day because that is my choice. It isn't my fault for what happened me, but it is my choice for how long I punish myself for it.

I forgive myself, I forgive every person who has ever hurt me, because we are all different people now and I choose to believe they are different. I choose hope in a brighter future.

Forgiveness means giving up the power to hurt them back for hurting you, and I don't want revenge for what happened to me, the man that hurt me? He might not be in prison right now, but I know that he can never hurt me again and that's enough for me to not want to hurt him. I don't even speak his name because in the words of Kesha,
" You brought the flames and you put me through hell
I had to learn how to fight for myself
And we both know all the truth I could tell
I'll just say this is "I wish you farewell" "

I hope he's somewhere praying, because I know in the karmic universe I'm getting good, what are you getting?