Honesty hour is a monthly feature where I take a break from the happy stuff and get real about something in my life. This is as real as it gets.

I debated on if I should write this before or after I posted about how I lost the weight I've been losing and when I decided after it allowed me to start with the phrase, "as I'm writing this, I'm on hour sixteen of my fast, I know deep down I'm not hungry, but there is part of a pie in our fridge, and I really fucking want to eat it."

I'm drinking a glass of water and doing something else instead of eating that pie for two reasons, one, I know I'm not showing any actual physical hunger cues, and two, that one piece of pie has like five-hundred calories in it. I don't count calories but I'd be lying if I said that I don't tally them for each day, I don't write them down and I honestly don't know exactly how many I had yesterday, I'm lying. Yesterday I did a 24-hour-fast and then had an extra large meal after. Within my guidelines of course.

But honestly, the day before that? I don't know how many I ate and I don't want to know. I like when I just focus on one day at a time and honestly I could work that pie into my calories but I'm too focused on trying to get correct nutritious foods in during my eating periods.

I try not to bargain with myself for food either so even though today is a work-out day and I could calculate the calories, I promised myself I wouldn't obsess that much about it, but telling my brain not to obsess is hard not just because I have OCD, but the more I look around the entire world is set up to tell you that being skinny is the answer.

The more that I look around and absorb the fucked up shit that I see everywhere that is practically preaching diets to elementary school children makes me sick. I hate it when I see pro-keto people villanizing carbs, when if you know basic biology you know carbs are basically life. It is so wild and unnecessarily apeshit out there. Honestly, if more people would drink more water, eat less processed foods, and  practiced a little more acceptance of themselves maybe we would have a lot less preteen girls needing treatment for eating disorders.

Am I stoked to be back to the size I was in the military? Yeah, but don't for one second think that my self worth is tied to what size I am. I loved myself then and I love myself now. I loved myself and that's why I wanted to start eating better and drinking water, and exercising! Don't let society tell you that you have to look a certain way.

I went to check my BMI and it said I needed to lose like 25 more lbs to be healthy, but I like the way I look right now! There is a whole section of people on Instagram who make money telling people that they need to be on a diet! People who go from being obese and obsessed with eating to skinny(sometimes only skinny-ish!) and obsessed with monitoring the food that goes in their mouth and overexercising. That is just as disordered as being obese but they are skinny so we tell them they are okay...?

Diet culture is so fucked up, I just don't want anyone to think that I was encouraging it with my post - I'm firmly against it! I do however advocate for people to make lifestyle changes in close relationship with their doctor. If you are serious about losing some weight, go to your doctor! That's what I did! She was able to offer some simple solutions at first for me to try before I dove in too deep. Then she monitored my progress, and still does to make sure I'm losing weight the healthy way!

Just one more thing, be careful who you admire, not everyone in the healthy living/ weight loss community can be trusted to provide helpful advice. Just because they lost the weight doesn't mean they lost it in a healthy way! Some behavior got them to 500 lbs, just because they lost 320 lbs doesn't make them a weight loss expert. It just means they had more to lose!

HONESTY HOUR: STEPPING STONES

Honesty hour is a monthly feature where I take a break from the happy stuff and get real about something in my life. This is as real as it gets.

"If I could leave this world behind
I could open up my eyes and walk in a straight line
Turn to the river with you
Help me leave this all behind"
- EMINEM

I've tip-toed around this for a long time, so I feel like it's time I finally start to unwrap my past. I don't know that I'll completely break everything down, but I do have my fair share of regrets and I've found myself really wondering about those I've left behind. 

I guess especially with my trip to Mississippi, it is bringing up these feeling, like I just abandoned everyone. I've tried to be really open about how I feel like in my new life I feel like I'm playing pretend, I can only imagine the people I used to chill with feel like I had a come up and forgot who I was. Trust and believe that I didn't. I remember distinctly when I started cutting some ties (mostly because they were toxic af!) some people told me that "I forgot where the fuck I came from". Untrue, I will NEVER forget my past, no matter how much some days I want to.

I've tried to put the thoughts in the back of my mind that I was never a toxic person too, because truth is, I have been a very toxic person. It is really hard to admit that, no one wants to see themselves as a villain and as much as I want to claim I became a toxic person as a coping mechanism for dealing with toxic people -- that might be true, but it doesn't erase the damage I did. So honestly I need to apologize, first and foremost to anyone I hurt when I, myself was hurting. Hurt people, hurt people, and I fucking hurt some people. AND THEN I WALKED AWAY! Like these people were nothing, and that makes me so sick to my stomach. It was never my intent to do the things that I did. That isn't an excuse and I know it, I just don't have a way to explain how sorry I am.

There is no amount of guilt that can change the past.

I'm not trying to rewrite the past. I can only try to be better every single day and I try every single day to be a good person because I know that I can be a not-so-good person. As much as I love to say, I'm not that same person that I was, deep down I am still that same girl, I just keep her tucked deep down and then sometimes I can't control it and she lashes out and everyone is SO surprised, like oh gosh, where did this come from. The people I know now, don't know me the way I was before because I choose every day to be different. But it is getting harder to put on a pretty face and pretend that I didn't used to have to fight for everything I have.

I don't have to fight anymore and for that I'm so thankful. This whole post is a mess, damn. If you knew me when I was in Mississippi, I apologize that you experienced me at my rawest, my most insecure, my most aggressive. If I hurt you during this time, for most people I apologize. I thought about writing that as, "for everyone I apologize" but nope, there are some people I have zero regrets about cutting you out and you know who you are!

When I was in the Army, I was healing, and if I hurt you during this time I sincerely apologize to every single one of you. Even all of the bald heads, I apologize to y'all the most, I think I was very mean to you and y'all didn't deserve it, I just really hated your enthusiasm.

Now I'm here, in Utah. Completely safe, still searching for healing. I've spent the last few weeks in California with a friend and honestly, I feel like a different person.

Everything I have been, everything I have done, has made me who I am.

With every apology I have given, I'm sure there is one that I am forgetting to give. I am only human. Every day I am choosing three things, and I hope you do too. I'm choosing happiness, I'm choosing forgiveness, and I'm choosing positivity. Our lives are only a path that we are on, nothing is set in stone, so while sometimes I may reflect on my "stepping stones", I don't feel guilty for those I've left behind. I made my choices and I know I will continue to make the choices that bring happiness and love to my life.

ONLY YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR HAPPINESS! This is a lesson I'm still learning, I can only control how I feel, and I'm going to work on feeling a lot more happy, surround myself with a lot more positive energy, and offer more grace. 

I'ma wash away my sins

I'ma rinse away this dirt

I forgot to make amends

To all the friends I may have hurt

I better stop and say my grace

From that I pray that I don't fall

'Cause on the way back down I may

May end up running back into them all

I never meant to use you all as my stepping stones,,

I never meant to make you feel like my stepping stones.

HONESTY HOUR: ON BEING PASSING

[me in the 1st grade!]

Honesty hour is a monthly feature where I take a break from the happy stuff and get real about something in my life. This is as real as it gets.

Am I going to really go here? Yup, last post of 2018, I have to go out on the second deepest thing I can, the deepest thing I might save for the end of 2019, ha!

I have never felt brown enough to be Mexican, there, yeah I finally got that out into the universe. Some people can just tell, even though I can get pretty pale, especially in the winter, that I'm Mexican but I've heard ALL of the guesses my whole life. Asian, Native American, are the most common, but for most of my life I just wanted to be white.

"Not brown enough to be brown, not white enough to be white."

I promised myself when I was little, maybe in Kindergarten when the teasing started, that I would marry a white man and have little white babies, I couldn't take the chance that my babies wouldn't be brown enough, just like me. Clearly, there is a lot here to unpack, and I won't air of it on the internet, but I've hated my skin color a lot of my life. When I was homeschooled it was the easiest, but I did one year of high school in Mississippi.

I didn't even realize a lot of the racism that I faced until moving somewhere that isn't surrounded by constant racism. I did recognize some of it, I'm not completely brainwashed. There was only one other Hispanic girl in the entire high school and one white teacher could NEVER tell us apart, even though we looked nothing alike. We were in two separate grades and she was darker skinned than me.  I didn't realized she was being racist until much later, just like another teacher insinuated that I was too poor to go on a trip, because of my skin color.

I didn't understand, I was trying to blend in, I would just play it off like I was white and people would ask, "Where are you really from?" I would reply, Florida. " No, really, like what ARE you?" I knew they meant my ethnicity, but I just wanted to be white.Sometimes it made me feel like an alien, what am I? Like I was an exotic breed of animal they had never seen before. All the times the boys would say, "You're pretty for a Mexican.", "I've never been with a Mexican before." Their specialty was making me feel like I was in a separate rating system from the white girls.

Other classmates telling me I should work at the Mexican restaurant in town that often employed illegal immigrants. I didn't understand why. I thought they knew I could cook the food, I didn't know they were being racist.

The KKK (yes, THAT KKK) held rallies at our courthouse. I just wanted to be white. Sometimes I still do want to be white.  I overheard a girl telling her boyfriend's friend that if he liked me I could make him some rice and beans.  I didn't mean for this to be a, Mississippi is full of racists post, because honestly, racism is everywhere. I know that other people have had it much worse and that there are truly good people in Mississippi, I don't mean this to marginalize anyone.

When I moved to Utah with my husband, for the first time in my life I felt like I could be brown. After experiencing inclusion in the military and marrying my husband, I learned what to accept, which was nothing short of what I deserved, respect. The family I was welcomed into, the people I have surrounded myself with, they have truly accepted me and my culture, my quirks, my lightness, my everything.

It felt almost perfect. I had almost forgotten what it felt like to feel different. I was walking home from the TRAX (our train system) and started to cross the street when someone on a scooter was approaching, they seemed far enough away so I began crossing. The person started cussing me out. I just ignored them and got across the street, when they got close to me they yelled out, "Puta bitch! Do you understand me now? Do you not fucking speak English?" I had to look around for who they were talking to. It definitely brought all of the familiar feelings of shame back. I felt isolated again, but I have come to realize, I am Mexican.

People who are racist have something wrong with them, there is nothing wrong with me. No one can make me feel like less of a Mexican, and no one can make me feel less than a person without my permission. This has been a life long battle that I thought I was fighting with other people, I thought I had to prove to people how Mexican I was, in reality, I don't have to prove anything to anyone. No one's opinion of me matters. I know in my heart the truth, and that is all that matters. It really helps that I've surrounded myself with people who love me, for me.

If you're struggling with an internal battle, I hope you know I'm rooting for you to find your way to the other side. Love yourself, you are so perfect just the way you are!

HONESTY HOUR: ON RESOLUTION

Honesty hour is a monthly feature where I take a break from the happy stuff and get real about something in my life. This is as real as it gets. 

This month I'm dealing with some intense feelings and I don't want to share everything, but I do want to share that I'm struggling with resolution. How do you struggle with resolution when there is a giant hole in you? Someone in my life hurt me, I'll never get answers or even an apology and with the recent news of the trial of Kavanaugh, I related a lot to Christine Ford. She spoke her truth and it didn't make a lot of difference.

I never spoke my truth, I just walked away, and tried to make my own life. I made my choice to do the right thing for me. I had to do what's best for me. So why, when the person that hurt me, is finally in prison, am I struggling to find resolution? These are questions I have been asking my therapist.

My first thought was to write a letter to this person, I wanted to get everything off my chest, but because they still pose a threat to my personal safety my therapist doesn't want me to send it. But I need to say it, I need to say all, I need to hate them for all of the ways they let me down because in search of them I lost myself. It took me down a dark path and I had to fight to become the person that I am now. Honestly, in some ways I am thankful.

I'm thankful because I'm fucking strong. I'm strong because I survived domestic abuse, homelessness, so much more, but I survived them. I want them to know that, they intended to break me and I wish I could rub it in their smug face that I'm thriving. I'm so much stronger than anyone ever thought I could be. I want them to know that I hope they spend every single night of their prison sentence in their cage praying to God for forgiveness and reaping what they have sown.

Then sometimes, I feel guilt, I never wanted them to make these decisions. I wanted a better life for both of us. He couldn't save himself, he couldn't even save me. Why do I feel sympathy for this person? He literally beat me. The feelings I had for him at a time were real, but now I know my worth. I don't know if he ever loved me and there are so many questions that I won't ever know the answers do. How do I find resolution in this?

I forgive. I forgive this person for every single thing they ever did that hurt me. I honestly do. Forgiving means giving up the power to hurt them back for hurting me. I do not want revenge. Do I feel like their own choices led them to incarceration? Yes! Do I feel safer knowing they are incarcerated? Yes! Do I want something terrible to happen to them? No. I wish them all the best, I hope they make better choices in the future. Everyone in the world makes their own choices.


I made the choice that led me to where I am today, in the arms of someone who loves me, surrounded by supporting people. He made the choices that led him to where he is. I'm setting myself free by choosing forgiveness. I will not carry hate in my heart, I can't, it is too much.


That is where I will find my resolution. I must find it in the apology I will never receive, in the one I give myself. In reality for years I've been blaming myself for putting myself in a vulnerable position, when I didn't do this to myself and hurt people hurt people. I asked forgiveness from people I hurt when I was hurting and maybe he isn't there yet. He might never be there, but I've made my peace. I've found my own peace, all by myself. We are responsible for our own happiness. I won't let what other people do affect me. I can only control how I react, and today, I'm choosing forgiveness. Hate is a burden too great to carry.

HONESTY HOUR: ON RAISING OTHER PEOPLE'S KIDS

So I've been a nanny almost my entire adult life and when I recently went back to work for a family that I previously worked for, I was thankful. When they made the decision to move, I too had a decision to make. I decided to return to being a stay at home wife.

The privilege of this is not lost on me, I know that I am beyond blessed to be able to have this choice that I can just make freely. As I was deciding this, I thought about the honor that I've had over the past year of raising these two beautiful children (a set of twins). This particular family was one of my longest continuous nanny jobs (14 months with a few months that I took off but we were still in constant contact) they truly became like family.

On my last day with them, I pushed the double stroller to OUR FAVORITE PARK and as I unbuckled them I thought about how a year ago I took them to this same park and they couldn't walk and now here we are. It was a hard day, hard for me to leave them, I was there when they took their first steps, I taught them to name all the colors. It was like a piece of me was being left behind.

Not that they ever felt like "my babies" but I've been thinking about all of the babies I've raised over the years, all of the children who I had the privilege of being in their life while their parents had to go to work. I've raised a lot of kids over the years and while my husband and I have already discussed when we have kids I will stay home and raise ours, it is something exceptional.

As a nanny you come in a fill a gap for parents and I always try to encourage creative learning. I come in and sing songs and teach them things as we draw and learn and create and I hope they carry some of that creativity into their adolescents but the truth is I DON'T KNOW.

Now with these babies, our families are very close they very graciously gifted all of their baby stuff for future baby Fritz* to use one day and have offered to fly me to see them (I leave for the first time in a few weeks!) I will get to see them grow up, and I'm so thankful for that. Maybe that is what parenthood is though, you do your best with the time you have and then you send them off in the world.

I'm at peace with all of the children that I've raised, I'm so honored to have had this time with them, and even if they don't remember me, I'll always remember them. :)


*Just a little disclaimer - Future Baby Fritz is still several years away! We are storing all of the non-expiring gear in a storage unit.

HONESTY HOUR: ON KNOWING YOUR THERAPIST SUCKS

So you think your therapist sucks, aye?
Honestly, If you have to ask yourself, does my therapist work for me? YOUR THERAPIST DOESN'T WORK FOR YOU!!!!!!!!

LET ME SAY IT AGAIN!

Your therapist to patient relationship should be like a glove, you put it on and it just fits. Recently my therapist left me. She was the keeper of my secrets and the only person to cry over my dead son and it meant something to me. So losing her, even though I shrugged it off and played it cool, it wrecked me.

It is STILL wrecking me, months later and y'all I wish I had a quick fix for moving on but it was so hard. It is still so hard. Those last few moments, in our final session, I was avoiding it and she knew it, her last words to me,""I'll never forget you.." We walked to the front door and I cried the whole way home and I'm crying right now. She just understood me, she just got me. The first person in my entire life who cried with me, and she left me... Y'all. This is SOOOOO hard to write. I have never had a therapist click with me like her, and she told me to not settle for someone who didn't click like her.

So here is how you know that your therapist SUCKS!

Do they make you question yourself? My first replacement therapist after her made me feel like I was taking a pop quiz that I hadn't studied for. I left the session feeling like I was terrible. I always give it a second chance though and I did, and on the second chance I still feel worthless when I left and I knew that I needed to request to see someone else.

YOU SHOULD FEEL WORTHY EVERY SINGLE SESSION! -- Do not ever settle for a provider that makes you feel worse when you leave then when you come in. I always say that second chance rule (everyone deserves a second chance!) but if they make you feel bad about yourself two sessions in a row with malicious intent, you do NOT need to be there.

YOU SHOULD FEEL HEARD -- Are you voicing your concerns every session and are they answering them? Your therapist is there to help YOU! If they aren't making you feel like they hear you, ask to see someone else!

YOU ARE MORE THAN YOUR DIAGNOSIS!  -- One of my replacement therapists asked me what was 'wrong with me' BITCH I DON'T KNOW! My first therapist never made there seem like there was something wrong. Yes I know I have OCD, I know I have Anxiety, but do I have depression too? I can't tell you. She made me feel like a person.

YOU SHOULD FEEL LIKE A PERSON - EACH AND EVERY TIME - YOU SEE A THERAPIST!

No one on this earth has the power to make you feel like you aren't a person. REMEMBER THAT! YOU ARE WORTHY! I'm crying now y'all,  maybe my head is fucked up y'all, but every single person reading this is deserving of a happily ever after, you deserve happiness,  compassion, and so much love. I LOVE YOU and I may not even know you. Trust me, I'm still fucked up, but I'm full of love and don't stop until you surround yourself with people who love you with love and love and love and love :)

HONESTY HOUR - ON ENDLESS HOPE

"Thoughts that go like bullets through you,
The time you told me that you wish you were dead." -LONTALIUS

When I first heard that song I thought about the last time I contemplated suicide, when I closed my eyes, who did I see?

I believe in ENDLESS HOPE. Call me naive, call me immature, but I guarantee I've lived more than my fair share of life. It was honestly when I was at my lowest, ready to die that I decided to believe in hope. To believe in happiness. To believe that if I just had faith in a brighter tomorrow, it would come.

AND IT DID. The earth shattering, soul crushing depression was managed. I got out of bed, I stopped harming myself, I still struggle with anxiety but I have hope that there will be a day that I don't. I just know it, it won't just magically happen. I work for it. I choose happiness, I choose hope every single day.

If it doesn't help foster growth and happiness, it has no place in my life, I know that right now I can't handle someone else's hurt. I have to cut those people out of my life. I can't carry their pain for them anymore and it was hard. Choosing hope meant learning to say no. I found that I was continually over extending myself for people who wouldn't do the same for me. That isn't selfish, that is self care.

PROTECT YOUR PEACE. There is no hope in a world where none of your needs are met. I'll preach it until my head explodes SELF CARE * SELF CARE *SELF CARE! I found hope in a world where I stopped expecting others to care about me and I started caring about myself. Once I was able to care for myself, I was able to care for other. Put the oxygen mask on yourself first!

If you need help, ASK FOR IT! I am not just talking about mental health, if you need someone to hold the door for you, if you need someone to help you get something off of a shelf, ASK! And then pay it forward. There has to be more kindness in this world. I found that I'm kinder now than I ever have been, I try to treat everyone how I would want to be treated.

I HAVE HOPE FOR MY FUTURE - because I have love for my NOW. I know my life is about to be lit AF with two kids in Oregon living my best life being a stay at home mom. You know why? Because I'm working hard AF right now to ensure that I can do that comfortably and I love my life right now. I might hate our apartment complex and think our neighbors are rude, but I find hope in every situation. Our views are gorgeous and I love my husband.

So I've given a lot of examples for my life right now. But how did I find endless hope when I was at my lowest?

I focused on THREE THINGS that I didn't totally hate each day before bed. I found hope that I had at least those three bright spots in my day (and they weren't always that bright!). It became all day long I would notice little things that lifted my mood and it was like the world shifted.

(It was noticing that yes there was toilet paper, or yes I wasn't beaten today, or yes there was something to eat!)

In my throes of addiction/domestic abuse/mental illness the world became such a scary dark place. To this day, I'm still dealing with the fear and darkness, but I started seeing the light again. Through hope I started seeing something worth living for again.

And I'm crying while I type this because I don't remember the exact day it happened but I honestly remember what it was like to want to die. That desperation, that hopelessness. Then months later, It was like the sun had come out, after a really long winter and everything looked brighter, I remember just smiling, for nothing, and knowing, this was what it was like to live again.

Like a deep breath of fresh air after you have been drowning. I had been drowning, are you drowning?

For that reason, I choose hope, I choose kindness, I choose happiness every single time. My life isn't perfect, far from it. But I know that I can make the best of every day because that is my choice. It isn't my fault for what happened me, but it is my choice for how long I punish myself for it.

I forgive myself, I forgive every person who has ever hurt me, because we are all different people now and I choose to believe they are different. I choose hope in a brighter future.

Forgiveness means giving up the power to hurt them back for hurting you, and I don't want revenge for what happened to me, the man that hurt me? He might not be in prison right now, but I know that he can never hurt me again and that's enough for me to not want to hurt him. I don't even speak his name because in the words of Kesha,
" You brought the flames and you put me through hell
I had to learn how to fight for myself
And we both know all the truth I could tell
I'll just say this is "I wish you farewell" "

I hope he's somewhere praying, because I know in the karmic universe I'm getting good, what are you getting?

HONESTY HOUR - ON 22 A DAY

TWENTY - TWO Veterans/ Active Duty Service Members every single day commit suicide.

TWENTY - TWO.

With my honesty hour posts I try to touch on something near and dear to my heart and god damn, this is so fucking close to my heart. Not only did I take an oath to serve my country, I took an oath to that every service member is a brother, is a sister to me. This is a problem that is KILLING my family. But it gets closer than that. Over a year ago, around Christmas time, a friend of mine, he killed himself. He was a brother in arms. He was engaged to be married. He was the kindest person I have ever met. He looked at every situation with optimism and he was a damn good soldier.

I had lost my phone unexpectedly and was out of contact with him for a period of time before his death. When I found the phone again, after his death, I had a message from him. It ripped me up inside. I'll never forget the last time I spoke to him on the phone. I could tell he was disappointed. I offered my sympathies, but he told me everything was going to work out. He told ME that. I'll never forget the last time he told me he loved me, or we held hands. I won't say his name here, out of respect for his family, but if you knew him, you knew his smile, his laughter. I don't pretend to know the demons he was fighting, but I do understand, I understand all too well.

Six weeks later, another active duty member, someone that went to the same rehabilitation center I did, the SAME one that helped me see my worth, my value, that helped me see that my life was worth living, decided that his life wasn't worth living. KJB made me smile, made me laugh and when I thought I was lost, he helped me see the light, and I sat by, while the light stopped shining for him.

There was a time when I wanted to die too. Where I would have been 1 in 22. But by the grace of the universe I had a saint for a roommate who didn't just "mind her own business" she spoke up, she reached out and she saved my life. I don't say that lightly SHE SAVED MY LIFE. I am forever thankful to her and my command. They stepped in and got me the help that I needed, even if at times I wasn't grateful. I am so grateful now. I am so thankful, I am so forever indebted to them. If they ever called me in the middle of the night to bury a body, I'd be there. Without them, without help. I wouldn't be alive today.

Maybe it is because someone spoke up when I was in bad place, but I will no longer be silent. Someone has to say something. The conversation has to be started. Every single day Veterans are dying because they can't go to the VA, they can't afford it, they don't qualify for disability, they don't have the 9 - 12 months to wait. The clinics are overcrowded. Active Duty personnel are dying because they don't have the command that I did, they don't have someone to step in and fucking take them seriously. THIS LIFE IS NOT A JOKE! These feelings will not just go away. We can't always just "soldier up".

I tattoo'd I will never accept defeat across my chest, yes I did, but in reality, committing suicide isn't accepting defeat, sometimes people see it as the only choice when there is so so so much more. 22 a day is 22 too many. SEE SOMETHING SAY SOMETHING. These people are swearing their lives to the united states of america to the price of up to and including death and they shouldn't have to pay the ultimate price.

It's not just terrorists in the sandbox killing our men anymore. It's the fucking demons in our heads when we come home, when we are alone, when there is no one around and we're crying out. If you are brave enough to raise your right hand, you deserve more. You are worth more. You are not alone. I got your six. Forever.

It took me WEEKS to pull out the stuff to take this photo, GOD it ate me up, knowing that that he had touched that photo and now he's dead. I know I'll put him on my alter this year for dia de los muertos, but it doesn't feel enough, I'll put the letter KJB wrote me too, just incase they need some way to make it through. I won't forget them. I can't, they made the same oath as me, and they are brothers to me.

I know this post has been pretty military specific, but if you or someone you love has been feeling suicidal please take this seriously. Overstep, don't be embarrassed. You could save their life. They might be upset at first, trust me, I was, but I'm so thankful someone said something.

IF YOU NEED IMMEDIATE HELP CALL 1 -800 - 273 - 8255 PRESS 1 
TO BE DIRECTED TO THE VETERANS CRISIS LINE 

THERE IS HELP, THERE IS RECOVERY. 

HONESTY HOUR - ON HAVING OCD

Honesty hour is a monthly feature where I take a break from the happy stuff and get real about something in my life. This is a real as it gets. 

So confession time! Last year I was diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) but I've kind of always knew that I was different. When someone hears that I have OCD they assume that I am a neat-freak, and while I am a very clean person, it isn't like that, at least not for me. OCD can mean a lot of different things for a lot of different people. 

For a lot of people, including myself, it involves a lot of fear. This fear leads us to act in certain ways to alleviate the fear. One of my sillier fears is that I'll leave something behind like my keys or phone, so anytime I get up out of chair when I'm in public, or leave my house, I check for my phone and keys twice inside or while I'm sitting and then twice while I'm right out side of my door or as I'm walking away. Sometimes it is terrifying if for a split second I can't reach my keys in my purse fast enough during that second check, even though thirty seconds ago I just touched them. Logically I know that I've already checked that I have my keys fifty times but sometimes it is paralyzing. That is what is called an obsession (the fear of losing my keys or phone) which causes me to create a ritual (the constant checking) to alleviate the fear. 

I check a lot of things, just in case, a lot, and sometimes I can't sleep unless I've checked my doors for the fourth or fifth time because there is a .00001% chance I might not have really seen that it was locked the last time that I checked. Or if I use the oven I have to check three times that I for sure turned it off even though out of habit I know for a fact I turned it off. I like to just check, because I don't like the term ritual, because I feel like rituals make feel crazier (just an intrusive thought).  

I also have intrusive thoughts, usually bad thoughts that once they get in my head I obsess over them and can't ever get them out. I'll share a silly example, but they get really extreme and really terrifying. I had a thought about what would happen if I drank nail polish remover, but now I have a hard time using nail polish remover because I keep thinking about my insides burning up even though I would never drink it. Intrusive thoughts are loud and constant and are like screams inside of my head sometimes. When they get really bad, I just close my eyes and scream internally right back at them, a technique I learned in therapy. 

I AM NOT SHARING THIS FOR SYMPATHY. I don't need it, I don't feel sorry for myself. I know in my head that none of this is real, none of this is permanent. I am getting help for my OCD. I'm sharing this because it is so important to TALK ABOUT MENTAL HEALTH! But by definition OCD is a chronic, long lasting mental illness. This is something I'll fight with for a long time. 

People assume so much about OCD, "Oh I'm OCD about this" "that bothers my OCD" those lines really rile some people up, not me, those people are just ignorant. I'm glad they don't know what it is really like to live with OCD. Sometimes I can feel the germs in my house and to cope I scrub my floors with bleach for hours. That bothers my OCD. Sorry, I know, petty. I don't pretend to know exactly what every person with OCD feels because some people really do need order to make sense of living with OCD, I do too, to a degree, I have a big problem with messes. I CAN NOT HANDLE MESSINESS. I can't. I just have a problem with germs, I'm not sure yet if it is an intrusive thought or an obsession, but a lot of times I can feel them. But I'm learning, with therapy that life is messy and in this process I'm letting myself make little messes. 

Part of my therapy also involves when I want to scrub my floor with bleach for hours, I take it one room at a time and take a break in between, even though it kills me. I also have a hard time eating food other people prepare, but I'm working on that too. I am a work in progress because I want to have children one day and I can not put this on them. 

I made the choice to take a photo of some of the medications that I take every day for my mental illness. I didn't show exactly what I take because I feel like that is a little too personal but I do take a couple pills for anxiety, they don't make all of it go away just the slightest edge, and most days (I'd say 5 out of 7) I feel like I'd like something way way stronger, but I know that medication isn't a long term solution, so I have to feel the anxiety to work on it. I also take something to help me sleep, my intrusive thoughts do make sleeping, and staying asleep really hard. 

If you are struggling with any type of mental illness, please reach out for help. It is here for you. Break the stigma. 

HONESTY HOUR: ON RELEARNING SPANISH

Honesty hour is a monthly feature where I take a break from the happy stuff and get real about something in my life. This is a real as it gets. 

Growing up I felt like a fraud. I thought about calling this "On being passing" but I didn't want to bring skin color into this, because it comes down to I didn't feel Mexican enough to call myself Mexican even though I was born to a Mexican mother, because I didn't speak Spanish. I took a class in high school, I could cook the food, I knew the word sounds and sometimes when I closed my eyes I could hear mija. 

Maybe one day I will write a post "on growing up estranged from my mother" but for now, I'll close that door and move onto the open one. I knew Spanish. I knew it. I've been to Mexico, I am Mexican, but I wouldn't let myself be Mexican until I could speak Spanish. My mom didn't really speak Spanish in the house and even now she talks some about "losing your Spanish", and I want to talk about how I got mine back, or how I'm getting mine back.

It all started with being frustrated with my appearance, so maybe I will tap dance around that for a second, I am passing. I don't exactly "look Mexican" I "look something" though and growing up people would always guess, Asian, Native American, it was frustrating. I just wanted someone to see me without that label, so I pushed it away. My Mexican heritage is who I am though, I see that now, and to honor that, I am relearning Spanish.

I started the way all Millenials do anything, I downloaded an app! I had to be selective. I'm using DUOLINGO there are other apps but this is the only one that I have found that is teaching Latin American Spanish not Spain-Spoken Spanish, there is a difference. I use DUOLINGO every single day, still to this day, and I will continue to use it. I have completed all of the lessons but I want to keep it fresh in my mind so I practice every day. I've been using the app for over four months now.

Next, my loving supportive husband bought me the book PAINLESS SPANISH and I'm working my way through it, since I did DUOLINGO a lot of it I already know, but there is a lot of cultural knowledge in this book. It is a really good one. I've also started reading in Spanish, I bought the USBORNE FIRST THOUSAND WORDS IN SPANISH book that I reference every now and then, and it is just good practice to just go through and name them all when I'm bored. I've started buying children books in Spanish to read for 2 reasons, #1 they are easy to read, it is just like learning English, start small and #2 I can save them for when we have children because I will be teaching our children Spanish. I am moving past the baby picture book phase and more into children's chapter books now though, I don't really have a stockpile or anything.

To become fluent it takes being able to auditory know the words as well. So I'm watching children's movies that I've seen a thousand times in English (hello Mulan and Moana!) in Spanish. DUOLINGO also has a podcast. There are listening exercises on youtube that I use too. I wish I had a Spanish speaker that I knew and could speak with but I don't really have that.

I've also kind of been thinking about taking a college level Spanish class at our local community college. I'm really dedicated to this. I feel like it is a part of me, I need it. I do feel like the words are coming to me naturally. My main problem is sometimes it gets all jumbled in my mouth, but my mother says that is normal.

I hope to keep learning, to keep improving, and eventually get where I feel comfortable enough to say that I can speak Spanish again. I'm very comfortable with it.

Es mi cultura. Don't get me wrong, I know and celebrate my Mexican culture in many other ways, I'm just so happy to finally be filling in this missing piece. I'm also even connecting with my mother again, and that feels good too.