Honesty hour is a monthly feature where I take a break from the happy stuff and get real about something in my life. This is as real as it gets.
"If I could leave this world behind
I could open up my eyes and walk in a straight line
Turn to the river with you
Help me leave this all behind"
- EMINEM
I've tip-toed around this for a long time, so I feel like it's time I finally start to unwrap my past. I don't know that I'll completely break everything down, but I do have my fair share of regrets and I've found myself really wondering about those I've left behind.
I guess especially with my trip to Mississippi, it is bringing up these feeling, like I just abandoned everyone. I've tried to be really open about how I feel like in my new life I feel like I'm playing pretend, I can only imagine the people I used to chill with feel like I had a come up and forgot who I was. Trust and believe that I didn't. I remember distinctly when I started cutting some ties (mostly because they were toxic af!) some people told me that "I forgot where the fuck I came from". Untrue, I will NEVER forget my past, no matter how much some days I want to.
I've tried to put the thoughts in the back of my mind that I was never a toxic person too, because truth is, I have been a very toxic person. It is really hard to admit that, no one wants to see themselves as a villain and as much as I want to claim I became a toxic person as a coping mechanism for dealing with toxic people -- that might be true, but it doesn't erase the damage I did. So honestly I need to apologize, first and foremost to anyone I hurt when I, myself was hurting. Hurt people, hurt people, and I fucking hurt some people. AND THEN I WALKED AWAY! Like these people were nothing, and that makes me so sick to my stomach. It was never my intent to do the things that I did. That isn't an excuse and I know it, I just don't have a way to explain how sorry I am.
There is no amount of guilt that can change the past.
I'm not trying to rewrite the past. I can only try to be better every single day and I try every single day to be a good person because I know that I can be a not-so-good person. As much as I love to say, I'm not that same person that I was, deep down I am still that same girl, I just keep her tucked deep down and then sometimes I can't control it and she lashes out and everyone is SO surprised, like oh gosh, where did this come from. The people I know now, don't know me the way I was before because I choose every day to be different. But it is getting harder to put on a pretty face and pretend that I didn't used to have to fight for everything I have.
I don't have to fight anymore and for that I'm so thankful. This whole post is a mess, damn. If you knew me when I was in Mississippi, I apologize that you experienced me at my rawest, my most insecure, my most aggressive. If I hurt you during this time, for most people I apologize. I thought about writing that as, "for everyone I apologize" but nope, there are some people I have zero regrets about cutting you out and you know who you are!
When I was in the Army, I was healing, and if I hurt you during this time I sincerely apologize to every single one of you. Even all of the bald heads, I apologize to y'all the most, I think I was very mean to you and y'all didn't deserve it, I just really hated your enthusiasm.
Now I'm here, in Utah. Completely safe, still searching for healing. I've spent the last few weeks in California with a friend and honestly, I feel like a different person.
Everything I have been, everything I have done, has made me who I am.
With every apology I have given, I'm sure there is one that I am forgetting to give. I am only human. Every day I am choosing three things, and I hope you do too. I'm choosing happiness, I'm choosing forgiveness, and I'm choosing positivity. Our lives are only a path that we are on, nothing is set in stone, so while sometimes I may reflect on my "stepping stones", I don't feel guilty for those I've left behind. I made my choices and I know I will continue to make the choices that bring happiness and love to my life.
ONLY YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR HAPPINESS! This is a lesson I'm still learning, I can only control how I feel, and I'm going to work on feeling a lot more happy, surround myself with a lot more positive energy, and offer more grace.
I've tried to put the thoughts in the back of my mind that I was never a toxic person too, because truth is, I have been a very toxic person. It is really hard to admit that, no one wants to see themselves as a villain and as much as I want to claim I became a toxic person as a coping mechanism for dealing with toxic people -- that might be true, but it doesn't erase the damage I did. So honestly I need to apologize, first and foremost to anyone I hurt when I, myself was hurting. Hurt people, hurt people, and I fucking hurt some people. AND THEN I WALKED AWAY! Like these people were nothing, and that makes me so sick to my stomach. It was never my intent to do the things that I did. That isn't an excuse and I know it, I just don't have a way to explain how sorry I am.
There is no amount of guilt that can change the past.
I'm not trying to rewrite the past. I can only try to be better every single day and I try every single day to be a good person because I know that I can be a not-so-good person. As much as I love to say, I'm not that same person that I was, deep down I am still that same girl, I just keep her tucked deep down and then sometimes I can't control it and she lashes out and everyone is SO surprised, like oh gosh, where did this come from. The people I know now, don't know me the way I was before because I choose every day to be different. But it is getting harder to put on a pretty face and pretend that I didn't used to have to fight for everything I have.
I don't have to fight anymore and for that I'm so thankful. This whole post is a mess, damn. If you knew me when I was in Mississippi, I apologize that you experienced me at my rawest, my most insecure, my most aggressive. If I hurt you during this time, for most people I apologize. I thought about writing that as, "for everyone I apologize" but nope, there are some people I have zero regrets about cutting you out and you know who you are!
When I was in the Army, I was healing, and if I hurt you during this time I sincerely apologize to every single one of you. Even all of the bald heads, I apologize to y'all the most, I think I was very mean to you and y'all didn't deserve it, I just really hated your enthusiasm.
Now I'm here, in Utah. Completely safe, still searching for healing. I've spent the last few weeks in California with a friend and honestly, I feel like a different person.
Everything I have been, everything I have done, has made me who I am.
With every apology I have given, I'm sure there is one that I am forgetting to give. I am only human. Every day I am choosing three things, and I hope you do too. I'm choosing happiness, I'm choosing forgiveness, and I'm choosing positivity. Our lives are only a path that we are on, nothing is set in stone, so while sometimes I may reflect on my "stepping stones", I don't feel guilty for those I've left behind. I made my choices and I know I will continue to make the choices that bring happiness and love to my life.
ONLY YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR HAPPINESS! This is a lesson I'm still learning, I can only control how I feel, and I'm going to work on feeling a lot more happy, surround myself with a lot more positive energy, and offer more grace.
I'ma wash away my sins
I'ma rinse away this dirt
I forgot to make amends
To all the friends I may have hurt
I better stop and say my grace
From that I pray that I don't fall
'Cause on the way back down I may
May end up running back into them all
I never meant to use you all as my stepping stones,,
I never meant to make you feel like my stepping stones.
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