HONESTY HOUR - ON HAVING OCD

Honesty hour is a monthly feature where I take a break from the happy stuff and get real about something in my life. This is a real as it gets. 

So confession time! Last year I was diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) but I've kind of always knew that I was different. When someone hears that I have OCD they assume that I am a neat-freak, and while I am a very clean person, it isn't like that, at least not for me. OCD can mean a lot of different things for a lot of different people. 

For a lot of people, including myself, it involves a lot of fear. This fear leads us to act in certain ways to alleviate the fear. One of my sillier fears is that I'll leave something behind like my keys or phone, so anytime I get up out of chair when I'm in public, or leave my house, I check for my phone and keys twice inside or while I'm sitting and then twice while I'm right out side of my door or as I'm walking away. Sometimes it is terrifying if for a split second I can't reach my keys in my purse fast enough during that second check, even though thirty seconds ago I just touched them. Logically I know that I've already checked that I have my keys fifty times but sometimes it is paralyzing. That is what is called an obsession (the fear of losing my keys or phone) which causes me to create a ritual (the constant checking) to alleviate the fear. 

I check a lot of things, just in case, a lot, and sometimes I can't sleep unless I've checked my doors for the fourth or fifth time because there is a .00001% chance I might not have really seen that it was locked the last time that I checked. Or if I use the oven I have to check three times that I for sure turned it off even though out of habit I know for a fact I turned it off. I like to just check, because I don't like the term ritual, because I feel like rituals make feel crazier (just an intrusive thought).  

I also have intrusive thoughts, usually bad thoughts that once they get in my head I obsess over them and can't ever get them out. I'll share a silly example, but they get really extreme and really terrifying. I had a thought about what would happen if I drank nail polish remover, but now I have a hard time using nail polish remover because I keep thinking about my insides burning up even though I would never drink it. Intrusive thoughts are loud and constant and are like screams inside of my head sometimes. When they get really bad, I just close my eyes and scream internally right back at them, a technique I learned in therapy. 

I AM NOT SHARING THIS FOR SYMPATHY. I don't need it, I don't feel sorry for myself. I know in my head that none of this is real, none of this is permanent. I am getting help for my OCD. I'm sharing this because it is so important to TALK ABOUT MENTAL HEALTH! But by definition OCD is a chronic, long lasting mental illness. This is something I'll fight with for a long time. 

People assume so much about OCD, "Oh I'm OCD about this" "that bothers my OCD" those lines really rile some people up, not me, those people are just ignorant. I'm glad they don't know what it is really like to live with OCD. Sometimes I can feel the germs in my house and to cope I scrub my floors with bleach for hours. That bothers my OCD. Sorry, I know, petty. I don't pretend to know exactly what every person with OCD feels because some people really do need order to make sense of living with OCD, I do too, to a degree, I have a big problem with messes. I CAN NOT HANDLE MESSINESS. I can't. I just have a problem with germs, I'm not sure yet if it is an intrusive thought or an obsession, but a lot of times I can feel them. But I'm learning, with therapy that life is messy and in this process I'm letting myself make little messes. 

Part of my therapy also involves when I want to scrub my floor with bleach for hours, I take it one room at a time and take a break in between, even though it kills me. I also have a hard time eating food other people prepare, but I'm working on that too. I am a work in progress because I want to have children one day and I can not put this on them. 

I made the choice to take a photo of some of the medications that I take every day for my mental illness. I didn't show exactly what I take because I feel like that is a little too personal but I do take a couple pills for anxiety, they don't make all of it go away just the slightest edge, and most days (I'd say 5 out of 7) I feel like I'd like something way way stronger, but I know that medication isn't a long term solution, so I have to feel the anxiety to work on it. I also take something to help me sleep, my intrusive thoughts do make sleeping, and staying asleep really hard. 

If you are struggling with any type of mental illness, please reach out for help. It is here for you. Break the stigma.