I've started writing about five different drafts of the same honesty hour and each time the words come out too heavy or too deep and it's a mess and really the pain is still too raw right now to blog about. I honestly don't know if it is something that I will ever share online because of how deeply it hurts me, but I guess I just wanted to write something.

I took half of January and all of February off from my blog, not intentionally but mostly because I really disconnected from my phone/internet in California and then I was resting for a week in Utah before I had a trip to visit family in Mississippi.

They say you can never go home, I think I agree with that now. But where I went wasn't really home to me anyways. Mississippi never felt like my home. Anyways, hopefully I can get back into writing here, but I really have some soul searching and healing to do.

I thought this year was going to be a year of growth but it might be a year of healing too.

MY 2019 WORD OF THE YEAR: GROWTH

A few years ago I stopped making new years resolutions and decided to focus on one specific word or "mantra" for the year. Last year was the year of self care and I spent the year learning how to take the time to care for myself and love myself and really put myself first. I can honestly say that for the first time in my entire life the relationship that I have with myself and with my body image is the healthiest that it has ever been.

This year, I wanted more. I want to go beyond that. I'm at a place in my life where my husband is making these changes to better himself and I feel somewhat stagnant, so to keep from feeling bad about myself or some type of envy, I'm going to do the same. I'm going to GROW. This year I'm going to challenge myself to learn some new things, to try some new things, and to explore who I am as a person some more. I don't ever want to feel "stuck", so I'm going to spend time growing and changing this year. I'm so excited for it.

I don't have any concrete ideas for what exactly I want to do except I know I'm taking another scuba diving course, I want to try to get involved locally some, there is so much I want to do so I'm going to write it all down and then narrow it down so I can really focus on a few areas.

Anyways, Happy New Years Y'all!