I've started writing about five different drafts of the same honesty hour and each time the words come out too heavy or too deep and it's a mess and really the pain is still too raw right now to blog about. I honestly don't know if it is something that I will ever share online because of how deeply it hurts me, but I guess I just wanted to write something.

I took half of January and all of February off from my blog, not intentionally but mostly because I really disconnected from my phone/internet in California and then I was resting for a week in Utah before I had a trip to visit family in Mississippi.

They say you can never go home, I think I agree with that now. But where I went wasn't really home to me anyways. Mississippi never felt like my home. Anyways, hopefully I can get back into writing here, but I really have some soul searching and healing to do.

I thought this year was going to be a year of growth but it might be a year of healing too.

NO PLACE LIKE HOME

First things first, our sweet boy had his surgery on Monday and is home resting and I am so thankful that he is going to be okay, the weight of worry hasn't be lifted yet, but I'm so thankful that he's home and he's going to make a full recovery.

Now that is out of the way, we moved and I posted the above photo to welcome everyone into the face that we had moved and I've been thinking a lot lately, What is home?

Clearly I consider the house I share with my husband my home, but I've been contemplating a trip to Mississippi, where my father lives because my grandfather is sick and it feels foreign to say that I need to go "home". That place isn't my home. It never was.

I consider Florida, where I grew up my home state, but Mississippi, my family just lives there. I also know trouble lives there. That's just something I've been thinking about a lot lately, I obviously don't want to miss this time with my grandfather, but too many people back "home" forgot who the fuck I am. I'd like to just fly in, see my family and leave, but blessings of a small town I guess.

I'd like to say I'm grown enough to just turn around and walk away, but my time away from there, I've grown, but I wouldn't say up, more like elevated. I've grown tired, tired of the bullshit and intolerance. I won't stand for the racist, disrespectful bullshit that Mississippi brings, I mean it goes deeper than that too, of course, it always does. I just know I'm going to find myself in a world that I'm not comfortable with and before I would just camouflage myself and not rock the boat.

I'm not that girl anymore, I'll fight, I'll fight every single day if I have to. I will not accept anything less that what I deserve. My brownness might have been a joke in the past, but in my home now, they accept me and love me for being brown and I know THAT is what I deserve.

SLOWING DOWN

Today, (I'm writing this in advance!) I'm having a procedure done to my left knee to hopefully help me regain the ability to walk around pain free. This is the second time I've had this procedure done and last time it gave me five incredible months of mobility. I'm hoping for those same results this time too! I'm going into this very optimistic and since I've endured the recovery for this before I feel more prepared.

I have to slow down things here at the blog, just until the beginning of the year. I won't be able to walk for several weeks after today and then I will have to scramble to pack my house up for our move the first week in December. It will be close, but I am hoping that I can walk before thanksgiving, but more realistically it will be the very end of November.

With that being such a hectic time, I want the freedom to relax once we move and then be able to put my best foot forward here.

I still have some posts that will be appearing so it won't totally be radio silence and I'll be on instagram @cristine.lynn :)

I just wanted to make a post so that everyone knew that I haven't given up on this blog, I'm just taking a break to take care of myself. I hope you have a wonderful holidays and look forward to lots of amazing content in 2019!

ON FINDING MY VOICE [& NEW BLOG DESIGN]

I'll be honest, when I started writing here I didn't know what angle I was going to be passionate about. So I thought the way that I assume so many other people do, I'll do ~*EveRytHinG*~.

In life I honestly believe that you should experience as much as possible so that you know what you like. I want my blog to be a constantly growing place. I don't want to JUST be one thing. But at the same time I know that I can't truly do my best at everything.

I've taken these past few months to experiment and I'm excited to share what I'm going to keep. Lots of travel, scuba, lifestyle posts. A little less product placement, a lot more advocating for mental health and living your best life.

THAT is where my passion is. I hope to keep growing in those areas. I can't promise that I won't try expanding and growing in the future, but I'll always step back and evaluate what is working and what isn't.

Thanks for your understanding. I hope you take a moment today to evaluate something in your life, are you trying to do everything when maybe you should just do what you really love?

-- ALSO, please be patient while I try to iron out all of the kinks in the new blog design and the transfer from blogspot to url :)

UPDATE: OUR SIX MONTH PLAN

Hey! I can hardly believe that it has been six whole months. Our little family is fast evolving. I'm so proud of us, but let's cut to the chase, here's how we did on our goals.

FINANCIALLY - We've actually paid off several debts in the last six months and I have my student loans being differed until we can fully pay them off later this year. I call this a win. We've made huge strides here.

EDUCATION - I'm so excited to share that my husband is starting school this summer! I'm so proud of him! I am doing something a little different. I've poured myself into becoming fluent in Spanish, being Mexican it is very important to me that I am fluent. So I've been taking an online class, using a print Spanish learning book, and I've started reading Spanish books and watching movies only in Spanish! Go us!

SOCIALIZATION - We took a big plunge and took a scuba diving class through recreational therapy at the VA! It was so incredible. We will be certified next week! I'm still wanting to take a rock climbing class. This was our first big step and I'm so excited about it.

HEALTH - So, more big news, I got my first procedure on my knee and I'm beginning to walk unassisted! I feel incredible. I'm exercising, we plan to start hiking soon, I can't wait.

FUTURE PLANNING - I always like to keep my next move a secret, so I won't say too much, but we did decide a little more about what and where we see ourselves in the next few years. ;)

I'm going to take the next month to decide on what I want to work on the next half of the year. It is going to be big.