CULTIVATING HAPPINESS

I know I've written a thousand posts on it but I don't really think I've barred my heart to the barrest part that I could barrest.

Someone thought my life was worth abusing. I survived domestic abuse. My ex beat me.

However you want to phrase it, it still scrapes me skin in a way that I can't form into words. It seems like I shouldn't been telling you this, like this is something that no one should know. Someone who said that they loved me also beat me with their fists. I can't even form an analogy. In the way that that old MORTAL KOMBAT games would play in the arcades except the person that put the coins in for person two (me) was too afraid to hit the joystick to ever strike back.

IT HAS TAKEN YEARS. Honestly, YEARS. Before I can even type this out and talking about it is still really, really hard. Someone beat me. When all I did was love them, and try to make them happy. Someone beat me in front of their children, and that is even more layers of trauma that I'm deeply embedded into.

I'm so into onto this like an ingrown toenail. I keep trying to dig it out, but it is just out of reach, healing is just out of reach. So how do I cultivate happiness when I'm in the trenches of POST-TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER (PTSD). I've never really talked about my PTSD here because gosh, it is such a subject.

I try to find hope in every single day, I talked about that HERE in my Honesty Hour post. Beyond that I try to better myself. I am NOT the same person that was victimized three years ago.

I have become a certified scuba diver, I've gained 50 lbs, I've learned Spanish, I am different. I am NOT that same person that was beaten. I'm stronger. I'm different. I honestly don't know how healthy that is, but I try every day to be who I wish I was.

During that time, when I was cowering in fear, I wished I wished I was someone else and I'm trying really hard to be that person. I will be that person. I won't EVER let myself be victimized again.

I try not only to find hope and be better, but I try to choose happiness. I've become quite the plant goddess lately and as silly as that sounds, it gives me purpose and happiness to grow something. I'll try to do a post soon about all of my plant babies.

Something that also helps keep me happy is FUTURE PLANNING. Looking forward to what I will have, there was a time when I didn't see myself surviving the day or week, I knew he would kill me and it makes me so happy to plan for years ahead. A luxury I didn't have before.

I also find happiness in other survivors. It isn't hard to find survivors of domestic violence on the internet. While a lot of it still aches me to my core I try to be a beacon of hope to women to are in the throes of it. If they can get out, there is recovery.

Leaving is the hardest and most dangerous part, but once you do, everything feels trivial. YOU SURVIVED.

WHEN SOMEONE TRIED TO KILL YOU, YOU SURVIVED.

When he held a box cutter to your neck, you survived, you will get through today and the anxiety will go away, someday. You know what real fear is. YOU WILL SURVIVE.