HONESTY HOUR: ON RESOLUTION

Honesty hour is a monthly feature where I take a break from the happy stuff and get real about something in my life. This is as real as it gets. 

This month I'm dealing with some intense feelings and I don't want to share everything, but I do want to share that I'm struggling with resolution. How do you struggle with resolution when there is a giant hole in you? Someone in my life hurt me, I'll never get answers or even an apology and with the recent news of the trial of Kavanaugh, I related a lot to Christine Ford. She spoke her truth and it didn't make a lot of difference.

I never spoke my truth, I just walked away, and tried to make my own life. I made my choice to do the right thing for me. I had to do what's best for me. So why, when the person that hurt me, is finally in prison, am I struggling to find resolution? These are questions I have been asking my therapist.

My first thought was to write a letter to this person, I wanted to get everything off my chest, but because they still pose a threat to my personal safety my therapist doesn't want me to send it. But I need to say it, I need to say all, I need to hate them for all of the ways they let me down because in search of them I lost myself. It took me down a dark path and I had to fight to become the person that I am now. Honestly, in some ways I am thankful.

I'm thankful because I'm fucking strong. I'm strong because I survived domestic abuse, homelessness, so much more, but I survived them. I want them to know that, they intended to break me and I wish I could rub it in their smug face that I'm thriving. I'm so much stronger than anyone ever thought I could be. I want them to know that I hope they spend every single night of their prison sentence in their cage praying to God for forgiveness and reaping what they have sown.

Then sometimes, I feel guilt, I never wanted them to make these decisions. I wanted a better life for both of us. He couldn't save himself, he couldn't even save me. Why do I feel sympathy for this person? He literally beat me. The feelings I had for him at a time were real, but now I know my worth. I don't know if he ever loved me and there are so many questions that I won't ever know the answers do. How do I find resolution in this?

I forgive. I forgive this person for every single thing they ever did that hurt me. I honestly do. Forgiving means giving up the power to hurt them back for hurting me. I do not want revenge. Do I feel like their own choices led them to incarceration? Yes! Do I feel safer knowing they are incarcerated? Yes! Do I want something terrible to happen to them? No. I wish them all the best, I hope they make better choices in the future. Everyone in the world makes their own choices.


I made the choice that led me to where I am today, in the arms of someone who loves me, surrounded by supporting people. He made the choices that led him to where he is. I'm setting myself free by choosing forgiveness. I will not carry hate in my heart, I can't, it is too much.


That is where I will find my resolution. I must find it in the apology I will never receive, in the one I give myself. In reality for years I've been blaming myself for putting myself in a vulnerable position, when I didn't do this to myself and hurt people hurt people. I asked forgiveness from people I hurt when I was hurting and maybe he isn't there yet. He might never be there, but I've made my peace. I've found my own peace, all by myself. We are responsible for our own happiness. I won't let what other people do affect me. I can only control how I react, and today, I'm choosing forgiveness. Hate is a burden too great to carry.