On the internet 

All that you did was make me sad

Time, words, they try to say what I am

I'm a kind hearted beautiful woman 

Forever 

Xx mama 

You make me do too much labor

 If our love died would it be the worst thing? 

You do not control me

I'll let you die to say my own skin. She hid around corners, but every bubble she sang with a sing, run fast for your mother run fast for your father. All I ever wanted was everything from you. And what is after that too. Struck from her. The dog days

THE ALARMS ARE RINGING

I don't know what I expected. I'm a completely different person from the person who endured the trauma of living in one of the most racist places on earth. 

The pain I feel from a childhood raised with Paul Francis Alcantar was traumatic. Nothing anyone can tell me will take that from me.  I don't give a chicken fried fuck if he is sorry or if he needs a lung transplant. I'm at the point that I don't give a fuck what this mf needs. My whole life I've swallowed my teeth. I've searched my soul to find compassion for this complete piece of shit. 

I don't give a GOD DAMN if no one ever agrees with my recolecion of event.s 

AN UPDATE OF SORTS

I've started writing about five different drafts of the same honesty hour and each time the words come out too heavy or too deep and it's a mess and really the pain is still too raw right now to blog about. I honestly don't know if it is something that I will ever share online because of how deeply it hurts me, but I guess I just wanted to write something.

I took half of January and all of February off from my blog, not intentionally but mostly because I really disconnected from my phone/internet in California and then I was resting for a week in Utah before I had a trip to visit family in Mississippi.

They say you can never go home, I think I agree with that now. But where I went wasn't really home to me anyways. Mississippi never felt like my home. Anyways, hopefully I can get back into writing here, but I really have some soul searching and healing to do.

I thought this year was going to be a year of growth but it might be a year of healing too.

HONESTY HOUR: ON DIET CULTURE

Honesty hour is a monthly feature where I take a break from the happy stuff and get real about something in my life. This is as real as it gets.

I debated on if I should write this before or after I posted about how I lost the weight I've been losing and when I decided after it allowed me to start with the phrase, "as I'm writing this, I'm on hour sixteen of my fast, I know deep down I'm not hungry, but there is part of a pie in our fridge, and I really fucking want to eat it."

I'm drinking a glass of water and doing something else instead of eating that pie for two reasons, one, I know I'm not showing any actual physical hunger cues, and two, that one piece of pie has like five-hundred calories in it. I don't count calories but I'd be lying if I said that I don't tally them for each day, I don't write them down and I honestly don't know exactly how many I had yesterday, I'm lying. Yesterday I did a 24-hour-fast and then had an extra large meal after. Within my guidelines of course.

But honestly, the day before that? I don't know how many I ate and I don't want to know. I like when I just focus on one day at a time and honestly I could work that pie into my calories but I'm too focused on trying to get correct nutritious foods in during my eating periods.

I try not to bargain with myself for food either so even though today is a work-out day and I could calculate the calories, I promised myself I wouldn't obsess that much about it, but telling my brain not to obsess is hard not just because I have OCD, but the more I look around the entire world is set up to tell you that being skinny is the answer.

The more that I look around and absorb the fucked up shit that I see everywhere that is practically preaching diets to elementary school children makes me sick. I hate it when I see pro-keto people villanizing carbs, when if you know basic biology you know carbs are basically life. It is so wild and unnecessarily apeshit out there. Honestly, if more people would drink more water, eat less processed foods, and  practiced a little more acceptance of themselves maybe we would have a lot less preteen girls needing treatment for eating disorders.

Am I stoked to be back to the size I was in the military? Yeah, but don't for one second think that my self worth is tied to what size I am. I loved myself then and I love myself now. I loved myself and that's why I wanted to start eating better and drinking water, and exercising! Don't let society tell you that you have to look a certain way.

I went to check my BMI and it said I needed to lose like 25 more lbs to be healthy, but I like the way I look right now! There is a whole section of people on Instagram who make money telling people that they need to be on a diet! People who go from being obese and obsessed with eating to skinny(sometimes only skinny-ish!) and obsessed with monitoring the food that goes in their mouth and overexercising. That is just as disordered as being obese but they are skinny so we tell them they are okay...?

Diet culture is so fucked up, I just don't want anyone to think that I was encouraging it with my post - I'm firmly against it! I do however advocate for people to make lifestyle changes in close relationship with their doctor. If you are serious about losing some weight, go to your doctor! That's what I did! She was able to offer some simple solutions at first for me to try before I dove in too deep. Then she monitored my progress, and still does to make sure I'm losing weight the healthy way!

Just one more thing, be careful who you admire, not everyone in the healthy living/ weight loss community can be trusted to provide helpful advice. Just because they lost the weight doesn't mean they lost it in a healthy way! Some behavior got them to 500 lbs, just because they lost 320 lbs doesn't make them a weight loss expert. It just means they had more to lose!

HOW 3 WEEKS IN CALI CHANGED MY LIFE

Surprise I guess? In a split second decision I jumped on a plane to California to see my friend and her two babies, I've written about them a few times and I was really nervous because I'm not a split second person, I'm a methodical planner, hello, OCD.

So imagine my panic, with only a week's notice to be in California, but the trip was so good for my soul. Being born and raised in sunny south Florida the Utah winters are SO hard on me, I really enjoy Utah for the most part, I don't really envision it as our forever home, but I especially dread the winter time. Being able to miss three of the coldest weeks of the year for the incredible warmth of California was already going to be great, but the time I spent with my friend really helped me re-evaulate my life.

Am I really happy? She asked me this question a lot, right now Marie Kondo is super trendy, and I guess I could add context that my friend is Japanese, and traditionally, in Japan, people only do things that bring them joy. She really helped me take some inventory of my life in terms of happiness, if I'm not happy, why? What can I do to fix these things, after all, I'm in control of my own happiness.

She helped change my relationship with food, and I want to do a giant post on this, but we spent a lot of the time taking turns cooking authentic Mexican food (me) and authentic Japanese food (her) for each other and it was incredible, I'm feeling so recharged to go home and cook a lot more of my childhood foods and a lot less prepackaged foods.

She also helped me feel better about my body, I've lost a lot of weight since I've seen her last but I haven't been really shopping, so I've just been wearing baggy clothes and feeling underdressed and messy and frumpy and she really helped boost my self esteem and steer me in the direction of finding some grown up clothes that aren't all black or from Victoria Secret. haha.

What do I want to do next? So I always keep my next move a secret, but I'm so thankful that she helped me get outside of my head to find the time to really decide, what is next for me? Just wait and see.

I just know that I'm landing in Salt Lake City tonight with a new perspective and feeling really refreshed. Also, so so so grateful. Gratitude upon gratitude for the people I've found to surround myself with. The trip didn't go exactly how I envisioned when I left but it definitely helped shine a light on the people who really are down for me the way they say they are.

HONESTY HOUR: STEPPING STONES

Honesty hour is a monthly feature where I take a break from the happy stuff and get real about something in my life. This is as real as it gets.

"If I could leave this world behind
I could open up my eyes and walk in a straight line
Turn to the river with you
Help me leave this all behind"
- EMINEM

I've tip-toed around this for a long time, so I feel like it's time I finally start to unwrap my past. I don't know that I'll completely break everything down, but I do have my fair share of regrets and I've found myself really wondering about those I've left behind. 

I guess especially with my trip to Mississippi, it is bringing up these feeling, like I just abandoned everyone. I've tried to be really open about how I feel like in my new life I feel like I'm playing pretend, I can only imagine the people I used to chill with feel like I had a come up and forgot who I was. Trust and believe that I didn't. I remember distinctly when I started cutting some ties (mostly because they were toxic af!) some people told me that "I forgot where the fuck I came from". Untrue, I will NEVER forget my past, no matter how much some days I want to.

I've tried to put the thoughts in the back of my mind that I was never a toxic person too, because truth is, I have been a very toxic person. It is really hard to admit that, no one wants to see themselves as a villain and as much as I want to claim I became a toxic person as a coping mechanism for dealing with toxic people -- that might be true, but it doesn't erase the damage I did. So honestly I need to apologize, first and foremost to anyone I hurt when I, myself was hurting. Hurt people, hurt people, and I fucking hurt some people. AND THEN I WALKED AWAY! Like these people were nothing, and that makes me so sick to my stomach. It was never my intent to do the things that I did. That isn't an excuse and I know it, I just don't have a way to explain how sorry I am.

There is no amount of guilt that can change the past.

I'm not trying to rewrite the past. I can only try to be better every single day and I try every single day to be a good person because I know that I can be a not-so-good person. As much as I love to say, I'm not that same person that I was, deep down I am still that same girl, I just keep her tucked deep down and then sometimes I can't control it and she lashes out and everyone is SO surprised, like oh gosh, where did this come from. The people I know now, don't know me the way I was before because I choose every day to be different. But it is getting harder to put on a pretty face and pretend that I didn't used to have to fight for everything I have.

I don't have to fight anymore and for that I'm so thankful. This whole post is a mess, damn. If you knew me when I was in Mississippi, I apologize that you experienced me at my rawest, my most insecure, my most aggressive. If I hurt you during this time, for most people I apologize. I thought about writing that as, "for everyone I apologize" but nope, there are some people I have zero regrets about cutting you out and you know who you are!

When I was in the Army, I was healing, and if I hurt you during this time I sincerely apologize to every single one of you. Even all of the bald heads, I apologize to y'all the most, I think I was very mean to you and y'all didn't deserve it, I just really hated your enthusiasm.

Now I'm here, in Utah. Completely safe, still searching for healing. I've spent the last few weeks in California with a friend and honestly, I feel like a different person.

Everything I have been, everything I have done, has made me who I am.

With every apology I have given, I'm sure there is one that I am forgetting to give. I am only human. Every day I am choosing three things, and I hope you do too. I'm choosing happiness, I'm choosing forgiveness, and I'm choosing positivity. Our lives are only a path that we are on, nothing is set in stone, so while sometimes I may reflect on my "stepping stones", I don't feel guilty for those I've left behind. I made my choices and I know I will continue to make the choices that bring happiness and love to my life.

ONLY YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR HAPPINESS! This is a lesson I'm still learning, I can only control how I feel, and I'm going to work on feeling a lot more happy, surround myself with a lot more positive energy, and offer more grace. 

I'ma wash away my sins

I'ma rinse away this dirt

I forgot to make amends

To all the friends I may have hurt

I better stop and say my grace

From that I pray that I don't fall

'Cause on the way back down I may

May end up running back into them all

I never meant to use you all as my stepping stones,,

I never meant to make you feel like my stepping stones.

THE NEWLYWED GUIDE: ESTABLISHING TRADITIONS

[this post was made in partnership with Dunkin Donuts - All thoughts, words, and opinions are mine] 

When you get married you and your husband are creating your own family and you have the opportunity to create your own traditions. I thought I'd share ours and offer a little advice on establishing your own!

HOLIDAYS:

NEW YEAR'S EVE - We decided our first year of marriage to start a tradition that we would have a cheese board for dinner with snacks (like a party for two!) since we aren't big party people, we also usually rent a movie.

NEW YEAR'S DAY - [NO ESTABLISHED TRADITION -yet!] *

VALENTINE'S DAY - We exchange small gifts and usually go out somewhere to eat.

EASTER - In the past we've gone to family dinners, when we have our own children this could evolve, also Charlie normally gets me some type of Easter treat.

CINCO DE MAYO -I actually don't really celebrate cinco de mayo, like a lot of places in Mexico but I like to cook traditional Mexican food for dinner.

4th of JULY - We ALWAYS do fireworks! My husband loves to do fireworks, so we do them every year, bought preferably from a Veteran owned firework stand. 

MEXICAN INDEPENDENCE DAY (SEPT 16th) - I like to celebrate with traditional Mexican food and tequila, my favorite! When we have kids I'd like to take this day to explain a little about the history of Mexico.

HALLOWEEN - We always buy a bag of Halloween candy and eat it ourselves, but I keep trying to convince him to dress up with me, but we're pretty busy with preparations for the next holiday.

DIA DE LOS MUERTOS - I celebrate the whole time with my altar, we had a party this past year, I'd like to continue doing that, of course having traditional Mexican food, and tequila.

THANKSGIVING - I really enjoy cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and I've made it for us before, but the past few years we have just gone to family events.

CHRISTMAS - Our tradition is Asian food (either Japanese or Chinese) and going to a movie on Christmas Day, but we've been busy with family events the last few years and haven't been able to do it on the actual day, we've also ordered delivery and rented a movie at home so we could be with Simon who had staples and stitches this Christmas season. We also don't usually wrap our gifts to each other, haha!

BIRTHDAYS - Usually we go out to eat somewhere special for our birthday and we exchange gifts. I normally pick out my own gift and my husband picks out his own gift.

ANNIVERSARY - This is probably the only time we do "surprise" gifts, mostly because both of us are so bad and not wanting to give the gift as soon as it gets here! We also always try to eat somewhere new to us, or do something that we haven't done for our anniversary.

Day - to - Day 

You don't have to wait for a holiday to make life special. We are in a busy season of our life, my husband is working and going to school so we are at a point where we can't always have a date night, so we made a pact that Sundays were our "day". We'd spend extra time cuddling, lounging, and just enjoying the time we got to spend together. I'm sure the fact that we agreed to add Dunkin's helped a lot too!

So when you're working on your own traditions don't just wait for important days, stop today and say, can I schedule a re-occurring date night? If not, what about a day that you agree to just stay home and enjoy each other?

*It is never too late to find traditions! Just because you didn't do it your first year of marriage doesn't mean you have to commit to doing nothing! Try something new this upcoming holiday!

Spend some time looking at my traditions, then send me some of your own! I'd love to be inspired to try some new things!

MY HAIR CARE ROUTINE/ LONG HAIR TIPS

This is a something that I get asked a ton, some form of, "how do you get your hair to be so long!" While I'm not an expert and this is just what works for me, I thought I'd finally share a big post with all the details.

First, I just wanted to tell you what type of hair I have because what works for my hair type might not work for yours. I have thick, naturally straight hair. It naturally is a little coarse, so I usually have to keep some type of moisture in it. It isn't naturally silky smooth or anything like that. Onward...

MY HAIR CARE ROUTINE -


I only wash my hair twice a week (a third time if absolutely necessary, but not normally). Normally on Mondays and Fridays. For the past three years (the majority of the time I've been growing my hair) I've used THIS shampoo by TIGI, but it didn't keep my hair super clean and I had to wash three times a week. A few months ago I switched to THIS solid shampoo by LUSH and I absolutely LOVE it. My hair feels SO clean every time I use it. I only shampoo the surface of my scalp, making sure to lightly scrub all over my scalp.I never shampoo my ends. However, because it makes my hair feel so squeaky clean, while I'm still in the shower I take a small (probably quarter-sized) amount of THIS conditioner. I'd eventually like to find a natural conditioner, but I'm still using what I know works.

Next I turn the water off, apply that conditioner just to the very bottom of my hair, think what could become split or damaged in the future. While I'm working the conditioner into the ends, I start to detangle my hair and wring out all of the water in hair. I pull the strands of hair that have become loose from the wash during this time as well.

Now, it might sound weird, but I NEVER touch a towel to my hair, ever. To me, they can make your hair frizzy. I use that time that I'm detangling to get most of the water out and if there is still water in my hair I'll just wring it out over the tub or sink while I'm drying my body off. During the summer I shower in the morning and let my hair air dry all day, during the winter I shower before bed, about two hours before I go to sleep so that my hair has time to dry. I also don't put any heat of any kind on my hair, no blow dryer, no straightener, nothing.

I typically don't brush my hair again until it is dry, if it has big tangles still, I'll take a very small (dime size) amount of sweet almond oil and repeat the detangling process, (always steering clear of my scalp!). I don't like to force a brush through while it is wet because that can cause breakage.

Once a week I deep condition my hair with sweet almond oil.

To deep condition, I pour about half a cup of sweet almond oil in a glass bowl. I then heat it in five second intervals in the microwave until it is just warmed all the way through. (I try not to get it scalding hot but you do want it hot enough to open your hair follicle) I then dip the ends of my hair in the heated oil and let them set for a minute or two. I then pour the rest on my hair and brush the oil into my hair. I wrap my hair into a messy bun and let it set for at least an hour and then wash with shampoo to remove the excess oil.

This makes my hair silky and shiny. If you live in a climate that isn't desert like, you could probably do this once a month. When I lived elsewhere, that is how frequently I treated my hair with similar results.

For brushing/ styling:

I typically only brush my hair once a day, first thing in the morning. Usually I wear my hair down but I will occasionally braid it or put it in a ponytail. I don't really use styling products but I have been wanting to find a good hairspray for the days that I do braids.

I think that about covers my hair routine, so onto my tips for growing your hair long and strong.

TIP #1 - Stop using heat on your hair. - Heat can damage your hair and if your hair is damaged it will spread. That's why I regularly trim my hair (even I get split ends). If you're growing your hair I think there is a tendency to want to keep damaged hair because it adds length, but I promise, if you get rid of your damaged hair, your hair will look better and it will be able to grow better. Less heat equals less chance of damage. That's a fair trade to me.

TIP #2 - Replenish what your hair is missing. - After I moved to Utah I had some issues with my hair because I wasn't used to living somewhere without humidity. This caused my hair to dry out and get a little brittle. It also meant I was getting dead ends faster. If you are experiencing similar things maybe your hair just needs a little extra moisture. If you don't have the time for weekly hot oil treatments, there are deep conditioners and other products you can use. Alternatively, if your hair is greasy 24/7 maybe your shampoo isn't cleaning like it should or you have product build up and need to try a different shampoo. It might take trial and error, but once you find the winning recipe for your hair, it will grow like a weed.

TIP #3 - Have patience - There honestly isn't any miracle trick that will guarantee hair growth because every hair type is different. It takes time and you have to continue to maintain it. This is something I personally struggle with, hair care takes some effort, especially if your hair is high maintenance.  I stopped dying my hair to make it even easier to care for, but if you want to dye your hair, GO FOR IT! Just know your hair will need more TLC to keep it healthy.

That's all I have, again, I'm no expert. Most days I don't even feel like I have long hair. It is just there. I just started actually spending some time nourishing my hair (the almond oil!) and letting it get a little dirty (fewer washes), treating it a little nicer (no heat or dyes!) and it started getting long and strong. I hope you found something informative, I'm always here to answer questions if you have any!

EXPLORING SALT LAKE CITY: SALT & HONEY

When a few years ago, my bestie and I went to this seasonal market and it was SO incredible, it was full of the cutest local brands and definitely helped inspire my love of shopping local. I remember being a little upset the first time the market ended and almost counting down the days until the next one. Luckily, they opened a brick and mortar store in The Gateway that I absolutely adore.

What I love even more is that they still do their seasonal markets! This past December they had their holiday market and it was fantastic! I actually had all intentions of getting this post up before then, but then life happened, but there isn't too much longer until their Spring Maker's Market.

In addition to their Maker's Markets they have regular in store vendors that offer an incredible selection of handmade goods! They are also offering classes and workshops and I personally can not wait to take one and learn something new! I love that they brought this type of thing to The Gateway, it definitely needed a little bit of local flair and I'm so glad Salt & Honey is offering that.

So if you find yourself in SLC and you need something handmade, locally sourced, or want to learn a new hobby or skill, Salt & Honey is your place!


Visit their website HERE.
Located at:
111 S Rio Grande
(next to Abercrombie)
Salt Lake City, Utah 84101

ON INTERMITTENT FASTING/ INTUITIVE EATING (MY DIET)

I'm not an expert and PLEASE before starting a diet consult your doctor, especially one like this!

This is such a weird post for me to write. It's no secret that I gained A LOT of weight when I got out of the Army, even in my last few months in the Army I was gaining, a combination of not exercising and emotional eating just left me ballooned up. Then depression really hit and next thing I knew I was almost 200 lbs for the first time in my life. That made me feel even worse about myself. My girl, Hoover told me that I knew what I had to do to fix it and ya girl was right.

So I just fixed it. Simple right? Ha, if only. To be honest, when the weight started coming off it was accidental. I suffer from migraines that are on the severe side and to try to combat them I started cleaning up my diet and who knew that if you stopped eating junk food you would lose weight? As cliche as it sounds I made small changes to my diet, like switching to sugar free, zero calorie soda, and then limiting myself to only one a day, quitting smoking (which I might have accidentally started doing again! sorry), little things, that have helped improve my health.

Last year I lost 35 lbs, I'm only 15 lbs away from the weight that I was when I was in the Army (-edit I pre-wrote this in November and as of the end of December I'm five pounds away from my Army weight!!!). So how do I maintain and continue to lose weight? It is a combination of two things that are pretty big right now. First, let's talk about fasting.

On a normal Monday though Friday I eat from 11 am until 6 pm. That means 17 hours of fasting but sometimes I might not finish eating until 6:30, so it gives me some wiggle room. I try to have a meal at 11, sometimes it is leftovers from dinner the night before or I cook myself meat. Since my husband is vegetarian, if I want to eat meat I usually have it during the day when he isn't home because we have a meal together at night. I'll then have a light snack around 2-ish after I walk Simon again. I start making dinner at 4:30 and we eat at 5 or 5:30 and I'm done by 6-ish.

NOTE: I read a study that says if you fast for at least 12 hours you get the health benefits from it, if you are looking to schedule your own fasting times! I also sleep from 10 pm to around 8 am, so I sleep for a lot of my fasting time.

[Some meal ideas - < Lunch - Chicken breast with steamed veggies - small steak with a side salad - shredded chicken tacos > all quick lunch ideas I might cook for myself for lunch. // < Snack - Less than 100 calorie greek yogurt - fruit - pepperoni and cheese - sweet treat if I really want one! > I try to keep this snack about 200 calories but I don't feel guilty if it goes up to 400. // < Dinner - roasted veggies and rice - pesto pasta with salad - burrito bowls > I usually have 600+ calories left for dinner and a dessert. ]

On the weekends I don't usually fast, but we do sleep in longer, so typically if I had to guess I'm not eating for at least a 12 - 14 hour fasting period. I don't stress it on the weekends though. I also don't count calories. I try to make good choices and be mindful with everything I eat but I'm a human being. I also don't allow myself to get hungry, ever. If I was to get hungry, I'd just eat, there is no way to sustain a lifestyle if you are starving all the time.

I drink a lot of water. This is where it is important to be monitored by a doctor! I was drinking close to two gallons a day and my doctor did blood work and my sodium and potassium were SO low that my doctor was very concerned for my health she almost told me to pull the plug on the whole diet change. (This is when I was fasting for 20+ hours several times a week). I had to make a few adjustments, Now I try not to fast more than 16 hours a day, with maybe one 24 hour fast occasionally, I also monitory my water intake and my water output (gross overshare, I know!).

Onto Intuitive Eating! I eat whatever I want. Honestly, I do. I had Wendy's last week. I'm human. I know counting calories is not for me, however, I try to make good choices. I know if I choose Wendy's every single night, there will be no progress for me. So, I'm choosing more fresh vegetables, less soda, and a lot less processed foods.

I try to look at my food choices day by day. I can only control today's choices right now. I try to aim for about 1400 calories a day, I don't count them exactly (more of a ballpark range!) but I do have to be sure to eat pretty close to that so I'm not starving myself with my fasting. A lot of people who don't do well with fasting might binge because they restrict themselves. I don't restrict myself, not ever. Since during the week I only eat for a small time period I guess I can indulge myself a little more than most people to make sure that I'm keeping my calories up and not under-eating, I also try to serve big portions of the healthy low calorie, nutrient dense foods that are good for me. I double up my veggies, (which I love anyways!), always let myself have a roll if my husband is having one, and some dessert. I'm eating these big full meals so I never feel like I'm missing out.

Now notice I said I do monitor my calories but I don't count them, sounds crazy right? Nope! I do want to be sure that I'm eating enough, so in that sense yes, I know how many calories I'm eating today, but I don't write them down and I don't do exact math. I just shoot for a ballpark range that fits my goals. I like to say, 400 for lunch, 200 for snack, 600 for dinner and 200 for dessert. I don't stress if it goes over and if it's not enough I make sure to pick up the slack in the next meal. You shouldn't consume less than 1200 calories a day. Once I eat my last meal for the day, I'm done counting. I let all of it go, I don't negotiate for calories based on what I ate yesterday, or what I will eat tomorrow, I only focus on today.

I'm also learning to unpack my food baggage. I know I talk about therapy a lot, but diet culture can be crazy having someone to talk about all the madness with really helps, even if it is just a friend. So much of what we learn about our body and our behavior with food really isn't healthy. The more I work on my relationship with myself and food, the easier it is for me to stop eating when I'm full, eat less junk, and drink more water. I still indulge, of course, I'm human! But I love vegetables, I always have, and it really does feel good to eat more of them, even if that means eating less meats. I also really try to only eat when I'm hungry, which is SO hard for so many people. I don't have to many tips other than to say I always give myself five minutes. I go do something for five minutes before I give into a craving and probably 90% of the time I'm just bored.

I have also tried to incorporate some exercise so it is a good idea to make sure you're nourishing yourself when you are hungry. If I do some strenuous exercise then I always make sure to hydrate, and fuel myself with real food, vegetables, protein, healthy carbs too!

That's all the advice I have, I hope I helped! I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing, just eating the good stuff, limiting the bad stuff, making working out a little, drinking water, the basics really. I feel really great about myself, but I feel my best knowing that I'm not fueling my body with complete junk food all the time!

Now onto the progress photos! I don't have a whole lot. My "before photo". I took last September, at my heaviest, I was determined to start working out and eating better and then, whomp whomp, I didn't, but I did start making small changes that have added up to me being where I am today.

I thought I'd include this one too. I took these one year photos, when I realized I had lost some noticeable weight. I don't own a scale, but my primary care physician weighed me and told me how much I lost I couldn't believe it. So I took those photos. Next, I sat down to start writing this post in November, and couldn't believe the difference adding light exercise made!

Last year I was in size 12/14 and starting to buy plus size clothing. I was wearing XL and XXL shirts. The cover image shirt is a SMALL! A small I saved from when I was in the Army to one day fit into. I was overjoyed when I could finally buy clothes from VS Pink and wear their Larges and now I am ready to buy my first size MEDIUMS, maybe even some smalls!

Alright y'all, I'm done, I swear. Just kidding, one more, side view, I can't wait to see how I look next year! I promise not to drown y'all in diet posts, but a sporadic update here and there might just be in order now that I've braved it all and posted these photos! All on little to no exercise!

OUR SIX MONTH PLAN v.3

It is that time again! Writing these goals I was reflecting on the first six month plan I shared here, I wasn't even sure if I would start blogging here again, but here I am! Blogging away! I tried to pick goals that correlated a little more with my/our yearly goals as well, so if it seems like there is a ~*tHeMe*~ going on, there totally is. I'm breaking my big goals down into smaller pieces so they don't seem so big!

Onto the goals!


FINANCIALLY - I want us to triple the balance in our savings account. I also want us to have our debt complete paid off, both are completely DOABLE!

MINIMIZING - I want to reduce some of the excess clutter in our lives. Plus, I want us to organize the rest of our stuff so our day to day life is more manageable.

EDUCATION - We both have some really exciting educational goals that we are working towards and I'm really excited about this!

HEALTH - I want to work on improving my physical health and mental health. Physically for me, I would like to continue to improve on my physical fitness.

GETTING INVOLVED - I want to find someway to get involved with my community in this six month period.


I'm so excited to see where we are in six months!

THINGS I LOVE: JANUARY 2019

I'm so excited to be bringing Things I love into the new year! Instead of 4 - 5 separate posts a month about things I love I figured I'd do one with my 4-5 things at the beginning of the month instead!

MINNETONKA LACE UP MOCCASIN BOOTS (BLACK) - Minnetonka is my favorite brand for comfortable moccasins! I love the pair that I bought just to wear around the house to keep my feet warm and I love them as boots. These boots are real suede and last FOREVER! I've had this lace up pair for three years and I had a five-layer-fringe for several years that I lost during a move that I'm excited to replace. They do require a little maintenance, but they are so worth it!

TOTES JILL BOOTS (BLACK) - These are the snow boots I bought for this year after a very serious struggle. Who knew it was so hard to find snow boots? I'll definitely start looking for winter boots earlier next year, the reviews aren't super great on these but they are comfortable and I'm hoping they last me at least through this winter.

LUSH NEW SHAMPOO BAR - I'm so excited to share my hair care routine with y'all later this month, but I couldn't wait to shoutout this bar! I slice my into fourths and only take a fourth into the bath at once, they last forever! It makes my hair so soft and silky. I didn't think I could ever switch to solid shampoo, but now I don't think I could ever go back!

MRS.MEYERS MULTISURFACE SPRAY (HONEYSUCKLE) - We're trying to make a conscious effort to reduce the amount of toxins in our home and a big one for me is I LOVE cleaning with bleach, it's my #1 go to. I've been trying this spray out for a few weeks and while I'm not sure it will completely replace bleach for me, I have been reaching for it more. 

MY 2019 WORD OF THE YEAR: GROWTH

A few years ago I stopped making new years resolutions and decided to focus on one specific word or "mantra" for the year. Last year was the year of self care and I spent the year learning how to take the time to care for myself and love myself and really put myself first. I can honestly say that for the first time in my entire life the relationship that I have with myself and with my body image is the healthiest that it has ever been.

This year, I wanted more. I want to go beyond that. I'm at a place in my life where my husband is making these changes to better himself and I feel somewhat stagnant, so to keep from feeling bad about myself or some type of envy, I'm going to do the same. I'm going to GROW. This year I'm going to challenge myself to learn some new things, to try some new things, and to explore who I am as a person some more. I don't ever want to feel "stuck", so I'm going to spend time growing and changing this year. I'm so excited for it.

I don't have any concrete ideas for what exactly I want to do except I know I'm taking another scuba diving course, I want to try to get involved locally some, there is so much I want to do so I'm going to write it all down and then narrow it down so I can really focus on a few areas.

Anyways, Happy New Years Y'all!

HONESTY HOUR: ON BEING PASSING

[me in the 1st grade!]

Honesty hour is a monthly feature where I take a break from the happy stuff and get real about something in my life. This is as real as it gets.

Am I going to really go here? Yup, last post of 2018, I have to go out on the second deepest thing I can, the deepest thing I might save for the end of 2019, ha!

I have never felt brown enough to be Mexican, there, yeah I finally got that out into the universe. Some people can just tell, even though I can get pretty pale, especially in the winter, that I'm Mexican but I've heard ALL of the guesses my whole life. Asian, Native American, are the most common, but for most of my life I just wanted to be white.

"Not brown enough to be brown, not white enough to be white."

I promised myself when I was little, maybe in Kindergarten when the teasing started, that I would marry a white man and have little white babies, I couldn't take the chance that my babies wouldn't be brown enough, just like me. Clearly, there is a lot here to unpack, and I won't air of it on the internet, but I've hated my skin color a lot of my life. When I was homeschooled it was the easiest, but I did one year of high school in Mississippi.

I didn't even realize a lot of the racism that I faced until moving somewhere that isn't surrounded by constant racism. I did recognize some of it, I'm not completely brainwashed. There was only one other Hispanic girl in the entire high school and one white teacher could NEVER tell us apart, even though we looked nothing alike. We were in two separate grades and she was darker skinned than me.  I didn't realized she was being racist until much later, just like another teacher insinuated that I was too poor to go on a trip, because of my skin color.

I didn't understand, I was trying to blend in, I would just play it off like I was white and people would ask, "Where are you really from?" I would reply, Florida. " No, really, like what ARE you?" I knew they meant my ethnicity, but I just wanted to be white.Sometimes it made me feel like an alien, what am I? Like I was an exotic breed of animal they had never seen before. All the times the boys would say, "You're pretty for a Mexican.", "I've never been with a Mexican before." Their specialty was making me feel like I was in a separate rating system from the white girls.

Other classmates telling me I should work at the Mexican restaurant in town that often employed illegal immigrants. I didn't understand why. I thought they knew I could cook the food, I didn't know they were being racist.

The KKK (yes, THAT KKK) held rallies at our courthouse. I just wanted to be white. Sometimes I still do want to be white.  I overheard a girl telling her boyfriend's friend that if he liked me I could make him some rice and beans.  I didn't mean for this to be a, Mississippi is full of racists post, because honestly, racism is everywhere. I know that other people have had it much worse and that there are truly good people in Mississippi, I don't mean this to marginalize anyone.

When I moved to Utah with my husband, for the first time in my life I felt like I could be brown. After experiencing inclusion in the military and marrying my husband, I learned what to accept, which was nothing short of what I deserved, respect. The family I was welcomed into, the people I have surrounded myself with, they have truly accepted me and my culture, my quirks, my lightness, my everything.

It felt almost perfect. I had almost forgotten what it felt like to feel different. I was walking home from the TRAX (our train system) and started to cross the street when someone on a scooter was approaching, they seemed far enough away so I began crossing. The person started cussing me out. I just ignored them and got across the street, when they got close to me they yelled out, "Puta bitch! Do you understand me now? Do you not fucking speak English?" I had to look around for who they were talking to. It definitely brought all of the familiar feelings of shame back. I felt isolated again, but I have come to realize, I am Mexican.

People who are racist have something wrong with them, there is nothing wrong with me. No one can make me feel like less of a Mexican, and no one can make me feel less than a person without my permission. This has been a life long battle that I thought I was fighting with other people, I thought I had to prove to people how Mexican I was, in reality, I don't have to prove anything to anyone. No one's opinion of me matters. I know in my heart the truth, and that is all that matters. It really helps that I've surrounded myself with people who love me, for me.

If you're struggling with an internal battle, I hope you know I'm rooting for you to find your way to the other side. Love yourself, you are so perfect just the way you are!

NO PLACE LIKE HOME

First things first, our sweet boy had his surgery on Monday and is home resting and I am so thankful that he is going to be okay, the weight of worry hasn't be lifted yet, but I'm so thankful that he's home and he's going to make a full recovery.

Now that is out of the way, we moved and I posted the above photo to welcome everyone into the face that we had moved and I've been thinking a lot lately, What is home?

Clearly I consider the house I share with my husband my home, but I've been contemplating a trip to Mississippi, where my father lives because my grandfather is sick and it feels foreign to say that I need to go "home". That place isn't my home. It never was.

I consider Florida, where I grew up my home state, but Mississippi, my family just lives there. I also know trouble lives there. That's just something I've been thinking about a lot lately, I obviously don't want to miss this time with my grandfather, but too many people back "home" forgot who the fuck I am. I'd like to just fly in, see my family and leave, but blessings of a small town I guess.

I'd like to say I'm grown enough to just turn around and walk away, but my time away from there, I've grown, but I wouldn't say up, more like elevated. I've grown tired, tired of the bullshit and intolerance. I won't stand for the racist, disrespectful bullshit that Mississippi brings, I mean it goes deeper than that too, of course, it always does. I just know I'm going to find myself in a world that I'm not comfortable with and before I would just camouflage myself and not rock the boat.

I'm not that girl anymore, I'll fight, I'll fight every single day if I have to. I will not accept anything less that what I deserve. My brownness might have been a joke in the past, but in my home now, they accept me and love me for being brown and I know THAT is what I deserve.

INHALE, EXHALE

I am pretty open about mental illness, and how I suffer from it, lately I've been not doing so great and the stress from our move already had me on the edge, but then last night our sweet boy, Simon. He has a malignant tumor on his bottom, well it ruptured and that was pretty much the final event for me.

He needs surgery, he's having it on Monday and we overall got some good news from this but I just can't put myself back together. When my anxiety and OCD gets really bad I can't leave my house. So, I've pretty much mentally started shutting myself inside of my house and last time it took me several months before I was able to leave Simon's side without him having a babysitter. Well, this time our dog sitter is employed, so I don't see myself leaving him.

But when I'm able to stop crying longer than five seconds and when I'm able to be more than five steps away from my dog again, I will return regularly to my blog/instagram/my phone in general. I just can't handle any of that right now. I know, I know, it sounds a lot like I'm isolating, and I probably am, I'm hoping that after Simon's surgery, when I know for sure that he will be okay I'll feel a little better, but for right now, I'm pretty deep inside of a hole.

I'm trying to do all of my meditating and deep breathing but it is hard to catch your breath when it feels like you are drowning.

EXPLORING SALT LAKE CITY: GALLIVAN ICE SKATING

[For this review I was compensated four free ice passes + skate rentals, all opinions are my own!]

Have you ever been ice skating? Y'all, I'm from Florida but I've been ice skating twice before. Once in Gainesville, FL for a school trip and another time in Fort Myers, FL for a birthday party, I am NO expert! I was SO nervous about this. Not only do I have the bum left knee, but I really wanted to experience some "hallmark" holiday stuff with my husband.

I was so elated when I had the opportunity to review Gallivan Center Ice Skating Rink. I went into this ready to break both my ankles, so with the VA hospital on speed dial, we cautiously approached the rink. We ended up having an incredible time!

The rink was a little crowded but it was really fun to see all the other families there having fun. I definitely wasn't the only one holding onto my husband for dear life! This was my first time skating at an outdoor ice rink, so I will tell you to make sure you dress warm! The staff was SO friendly. 

Be sure to check it out if you are local! They are open until February! 

UPDATE: OUR SIX MONTH PLAN v.2

Can you believe it is December? I always say that, six months seems to always fly by in what seems like a blink. I feel like we did a good job of following our plan and I'm eager to spend the next few weeks working on our next six month plan.

FINANCIALLY - We did AWESOME! I feel like we reigned our spending in and have developed a good routine for adding to our savings account with every pay check. Even though I've returned to being a Stay-At-Home-Wife, we are still making it work.

PERSONAL GROWTH - Both my husband, and I worked on growing ourselves this year. I continued with my re-learning Spanish and have begun to lay some framework for other personal growth areas.

SOCIALIZATION - My husband did much better in this area than I did! He started having a weekly guy's night and doing some other activities. We have made some new friends but it does take time, especially for me. We even had a small party at our house, which with my OCD, is huge.

HEALTH - I've started eating a lot less meat, we have a vegetarian meal together ever night. I've lost some more weight and I attribute that to being a little more active and portion control. On the other hand, my knee procedure that I had earlier this year didn't take and they reattempted it in November. If it doesn't take this time another more invasive procedure may need to occur next year, so far, the results seem promising.

HOUSE/HOME - We found a house! We found a place a few months ago and move in just a few short weeks. This is such a big deal to us, we are very excited to be out of an apartment and are so excited for the new things ahead. 2018 has been great, 2019 will be so much better!

There you have it! All wrapped up! Now to plan for the next six months!

-[A special thank you to my brother-in-law Keaton for taking this photo of us at Charlie's grandma's house, low quality photo, high quality life.]-

HONESTY HOUR: ON RESOLUTION

Honesty hour is a monthly feature where I take a break from the happy stuff and get real about something in my life. This is as real as it gets. 

This month I'm dealing with some intense feelings and I don't want to share everything, but I do want to share that I'm struggling with resolution. How do you struggle with resolution when there is a giant hole in you? Someone in my life hurt me, I'll never get answers or even an apology and with the recent news of the trial of Kavanaugh, I related a lot to Christine Ford. She spoke her truth and it didn't make a lot of difference.

I never spoke my truth, I just walked away, and tried to make my own life. I made my choice to do the right thing for me. I had to do what's best for me. So why, when the person that hurt me, is finally in prison, am I struggling to find resolution? These are questions I have been asking my therapist.

My first thought was to write a letter to this person, I wanted to get everything off my chest, but because they still pose a threat to my personal safety my therapist doesn't want me to send it. But I need to say it, I need to say all, I need to hate them for all of the ways they let me down because in search of them I lost myself. It took me down a dark path and I had to fight to become the person that I am now. Honestly, in some ways I am thankful.

I'm thankful because I'm fucking strong. I'm strong because I survived domestic abuse, homelessness, so much more, but I survived them. I want them to know that, they intended to break me and I wish I could rub it in their smug face that I'm thriving. I'm so much stronger than anyone ever thought I could be. I want them to know that I hope they spend every single night of their prison sentence in their cage praying to God for forgiveness and reaping what they have sown.

Then sometimes, I feel guilt, I never wanted them to make these decisions. I wanted a better life for both of us. He couldn't save himself, he couldn't even save me. Why do I feel sympathy for this person? He literally beat me. The feelings I had for him at a time were real, but now I know my worth. I don't know if he ever loved me and there are so many questions that I won't ever know the answers do. How do I find resolution in this?

I forgive. I forgive this person for every single thing they ever did that hurt me. I honestly do. Forgiving means giving up the power to hurt them back for hurting me. I do not want revenge. Do I feel like their own choices led them to incarceration? Yes! Do I feel safer knowing they are incarcerated? Yes! Do I want something terrible to happen to them? No. I wish them all the best, I hope they make better choices in the future. Everyone in the world makes their own choices.


I made the choice that led me to where I am today, in the arms of someone who loves me, surrounded by supporting people. He made the choices that led him to where he is. I'm setting myself free by choosing forgiveness. I will not carry hate in my heart, I can't, it is too much.


That is where I will find my resolution. I must find it in the apology I will never receive, in the one I give myself. In reality for years I've been blaming myself for putting myself in a vulnerable position, when I didn't do this to myself and hurt people hurt people. I asked forgiveness from people I hurt when I was hurting and maybe he isn't there yet. He might never be there, but I've made my peace. I've found my own peace, all by myself. We are responsible for our own happiness. I won't let what other people do affect me. I can only control how I react, and today, I'm choosing forgiveness. Hate is a burden too great to carry.