TWENTY - TWO.
With my honesty hour posts I try to touch on something near and dear to my heart and god damn, this is so fucking close to my heart. Not only did I take an oath to serve my country, I took an oath to that every service member is a brother, is a sister to me. This is a problem that is KILLING my family. But it gets closer than that. Over a year ago, around Christmas time, a friend of mine, he killed himself. He was a brother in arms. He was engaged to be married. He was the kindest person I have ever met. He looked at every situation with optimism and he was a damn good soldier.
I had lost my phone unexpectedly and was out of contact with him for a period of time before his death. When I found the phone again, after his death, I had a message from him. It ripped me up inside. I'll never forget the last time I spoke to him on the phone. I could tell he was disappointed. I offered my sympathies, but he told me everything was going to work out. He told ME that. I'll never forget the last time he told me he loved me, or we held hands. I won't say his name here, out of respect for his family, but if you knew him, you knew his smile, his laughter. I don't pretend to know the demons he was fighting, but I do understand, I understand all too well.
Six weeks later, another active duty member, someone that went to the same rehabilitation center I did, the SAME one that helped me see my worth, my value, that helped me see that my life was worth living, decided that his life wasn't worth living. KJB made me smile, made me laugh and when I thought I was lost, he helped me see the light, and I sat by, while the light stopped shining for him.
There was a time when I wanted to die too. Where I would have been 1 in 22. But by the grace of the universe I had a saint for a roommate who didn't just "mind her own business" she spoke up, she reached out and she saved my life. I don't say that lightly SHE SAVED MY LIFE. I am forever thankful to her and my command. They stepped in and got me the help that I needed, even if at times I wasn't grateful. I am so grateful now. I am so thankful, I am so forever indebted to them. If they ever called me in the middle of the night to bury a body, I'd be there. Without them, without help. I wouldn't be alive today.
Maybe it is because someone spoke up when I was in bad place, but I will no longer be silent. Someone has to say something. The conversation has to be started. Every single day Veterans are dying because they can't go to the VA, they can't afford it, they don't qualify for disability, they don't have the 9 - 12 months to wait. The clinics are overcrowded. Active Duty personnel are dying because they don't have the command that I did, they don't have someone to step in and fucking take them seriously. THIS LIFE IS NOT A JOKE! These feelings will not just go away. We can't always just "soldier up".
I tattoo'd I will never accept defeat across my chest, yes I did, but in reality, committing suicide isn't accepting defeat, sometimes people see it as the only choice when there is so so so much more. 22 a day is 22 too many. SEE SOMETHING SAY SOMETHING. These people are swearing their lives to the united states of america to the price of up to and including death and they shouldn't have to pay the ultimate price.
It's not just terrorists in the sandbox killing our men anymore. It's the fucking demons in our heads when we come home, when we are alone, when there is no one around and we're crying out. If you are brave enough to raise your right hand, you deserve more. You are worth more. You are not alone. I got your six. Forever.
It took me WEEKS to pull out the stuff to take this photo, GOD it ate me up, knowing that that he had touched that photo and now he's dead. I know I'll put him on my alter this year for dia de los muertos, but it doesn't feel enough, I'll put the letter KJB wrote me too, just incase they need some way to make it through. I won't forget them. I can't, they made the same oath as me, and they are brothers to me.
I know this post has been pretty military specific, but if you or someone you love has been feeling suicidal please take this seriously. Overstep, don't be embarrassed. You could save their life. They might be upset at first, trust me, I was, but I'm so thankful someone said something.
IF YOU NEED IMMEDIATE HELP CALL 1 -800 - 273 - 8255 PRESS 1
TO BE DIRECTED TO THE VETERANS CRISIS LINE
THERE IS HELP, THERE IS RECOVERY.
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